Defeated

"Supposing you have tried and failed again and again."

Currently:

Reading: Finally reading "Longing" by Karen Kingsbury 

Watching: The sun trying to shine through my red curtain

Listening: "We All Fall" by Superchick

We all fall
Sometimes
We all let ourselves down
Sometimes there's nothing left but to live with what's been done
And know you're not the only one
Who falls

We all fail
Sometimes
We all let someone down
Sometimes there's thing left but to promise to ourselves
That next time we won't be the one
To fail

I want to tell you you can go on
That life's beginnings come from ends
I still believe in you
And so does God
He's the one who still believes in those who fail
He's the one who still believes in us who fall...

"You may have a fresh start any moment you choose,"

So yesterday... was NOT a good day. Minor things just kept seeming to fall into bigger things and I was angry and upset.  I didn't leave when I wanted to. I watched my "bus" pull up when I was still about 2 blocks away. Things cost more than I planned. I ran out of hands on the way home. My internet went down for about 4 hours. I dropped my laptop (while open) on my mom's glass Christmas decoration. Did not end well for the glass ornament and my screen has some new scratches that weren't there. Then I was eating my dinner and half of my tooth comes out. So on and so forth. I honestly just went to bed at one point because I felt so defeated.

"for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down,"

But can you guess the thing that struck me as most poignant of all? My attitude. I was defeated because, instead of surrendering to God and asking for His grace, I just continued to allow one thing after another to wail on me until I just felt beaten inside and out. As human beings we try to do it all on our own. I know yesterday while I kept saying God I give you it all, I really was saying God I got this. There was no heart behind my surrender. And I felt the defeat.
How often do we surrender with our mouth, but with our hearts we keep it on ourselves? When you really ask that question, it's easy why it seemed so unsuccessful. What have you NOT surrendered today? Are you willing to risk it?

"but the staying down." ~Mary Pickford

Letters to Baby P- It's A...

Dear Baby P,

Here I am getting ready for bed, and all the sudden my phone starts buzzing. The last person I was expecting was your Mommy! And the last news I was expecting was that you are... well you! That you are going to be the sweet brown haired blue eyed baby GIRL I had in my dream before I even, officially, knew your mom was pregnant with you. Well, I'm not sure about the brown hair or the blue eyes; but your Mom excitedly proclaimed, after asking for last guesses, that I was right you most certainly were a girl!!! Not that I would have loved you any less as a boy. But knowing that your coming, knowing that a little girl is on her way means that I can start spoiling you rotten with all the little girl things. That my massive shopping spree can begin to shower you with presents. Because you little angel, seem like this great expectancy. For some reason watching my dear friend pregnant and experiencing carrying a new life, you seem like a miracle from heaven. Like this amazing gift we are all just waiting to arrive. And I can't wait to see you beautiful little girl.

(This has been post-dated 24hrs so that the proud parents could make their announcement first! However I wanted this to be my official first thoughts!)

Momentum

"Here is the test to find whether you're mission on earth is finished..."

Currently:

Reading: Tomorrow I WILL be going to get "Longing" by Karen Kingsbury or I will die trying

Watching: I'm sure somewhere in my house there is some sort of Christmas move playing

Listening: "The Meaning of LIfe" by Hawk Nelson

 It only takes one to make a difference
It takes a little to change
Lets start today for a new tomorrow
Don’t look back
I wont look back now

Hey yah gonna find a new beginning
Lately tired of the life I’m livin
Find a way to make a change
In the lives of all of us who need
To find the meaning of life

"If you're alive,"

30 days ago I started a journey, not really sure of the path it would take me down. I just knew in my heart of hearts I needed something to change and I was ready to pursue Him more than I pursued people on Facebook. Some days were more successful than others, some days I plainly just failed, some days I soared on His wings. For the first time in a while, I felt longing. I wanted something more than just to get through and I would rather leap again and crash to the ground then keep going the way I was. And I have found some of that girl that died the first time that she was broken.

30 days ago I thought I knew what intimacy was...

and then I sat with God the first thing every morning

"I have loved you with an everlasting love;

 I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." 

30 days ago I thought I was living a holy life

and then God examined by heart

"The LORD does not look at the things people look at.

People look at the outward appearance,

but the LORD looks at the heart."

30 days ago I was complacent

and then God made me hungry 

"Blessed are those who hunger 

and thirst for righteousness,
   for they will be filled."

30 days ago I was looking to finish the 30 days

and now I am running straight for Him

"What matters most to me is to finish what God started:

the job the Master Jesus gave me of letting everyone I meet 

know all about this incredibly extravagant generosity of God."

30 days ago I thought about how hard 30 days would be. Now I stand amazed at how small it seems. Because I started a lifelong journey. I stopped giving half. I stopped "doing what I was told". I just stopped. And sat. And listened, learned, and fell in love. My heart is now open to life. Because my heart has been opened to Him. Today I did not finish, I have only just begun...

 How did you finish? Or should I say how did you begin?

"...it isn't." ~Richard Bach

Manic Monday or Holiday

"Happiness is an attitude."

Currently:

Reading: Waiting to get to the bookstore to buy, "Longing" by Karen Kingsbury

Watching: The Christmas Card

Listening: "Hello Seattle" by Owl City

 Hello Seattle, I am an old lighthouse
Throwing beams of bright lights
Red in the morning, blue in the evening sun
Taking heed from everyone

Hello Seattle, I am a mountaineer
In the hills and highlands
I fall asleep in hospital parking lots

Take me above your light
Carry me through the night
Hold me secure in flight
Sing me to sleep tonight

 "We either make ourselves miserable,"

The random words of this song adequately describes my entire week. A random mess of words that somehow serves to make sense at the end of the week, and thankful that you survived to listen to the message at the end.
That was my week in a nutshell. And after my LONG holiday weekend in retail, I am excited to say that today was my "Friday". Everything was a success on the work front and everything went relatively smooth. My fears were relieved.

"...or happy and strong."

 In all the hubbub, I came to realize a few things over the past week. The first is that you can decide what kind of outlook you want to have. The second is even if you decide the outlook, it's only going to be amazing when you've handed it over to God. The third is that when we give Him everything thanksgiving is bountiful. I'm grateful for what I've learned. I'm thankful that He is so in love with me, that He gave me everything I've needed and more. And that He's teaching me so much about who I am. That He's molding and shaping me to be the person that shines Him. Because I sat there through everything telling people that we would make it, cheering them on when we made it through a big rush. And when one of them saw me this morning, she told me her day got better because I was there. I pray that God continues to make me this woman. A woman that makes peoples day better because He has made me and is radiating through me. Are you radiating Him?

"The amount of work is the same." ~Francesca Reigler

Letters to Baby P- Excitement!!!

Dear (my sweet) Baby P,

OH how I love you! I get so excited every time your mommy sends me a picture of how you are growing in her little belly. I walk past rows and rows of baby clothes and toys and blankets every day, waiting to know what to buy for you! I wonder what you'll be, who you'll be, and when you'll be here to see us.
Right now your about 5 months; a little more than half-baked, halfway here! And we are anxiously awaiting the news of whether you are going to be my sweet and gentle girl like your mother or a strong and kind little boy like your daddy.
With Christmas right around the corner, you seem even more miraculous. Because the world learned to hope through a baby. Sweet Baby P,  I keep praying for you, for the future you'll have. My mother always reminded me as a child that the prayers of a righteous mother avails much. And I know that God is hearing the prayers from your Mom and Dad, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, and the extended family like me who love you just as much as those who have a genetic bond. I can't wait to see your personality grow. I can't wait to hear the dreams God gives your heart. I can't wait until next year when you have a holiday of firsts. To see the spirit of wonder and excitement in your eyes as you learn new things.
I get the feeling that you will be the best of both your parents. That you'll have that sweet and gentle nature of your mama but you will be a little more outgoing like your papa. That you will love serving others. That you'll have a heart for worship. That you'll have her love for dancing and that nervous little giggle like she does. I have a feeling unlike your mama you'll thrive on adventure on new things. I think you are already rubbing that off on your Mommy.
You're mom has this way of bringing out the best in everyone she meets, and that's why I know you will be amazing. I don't think I've ever spent a day in my life truly angry or upset with her. But I've spent a thousand or more thankful for her. I hope that one day you'll see all this in her. That you will take it as a compliment that you look and act so much like her. That one day if, heaven forbid, you should need me to, I will remind you of everything that is good and amazing about her.
Because you will be evidence of the best of her.

But until that day we'll be waiting, with open arms!!!
Aunt Tricia

Mummify and the un

"The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging to a particular mode of happiness,"

Currently:

Reading: Waiting to get to the bookstore to buy, "Longing" by Karen Kingsbury

Watching: The sun come up in my window

Listening:"Preserve Me" by Jordan Johnson

Preserve me oh God
Let not shame stand in my way
I have no good apart from you

I keep running after broken cisterns that never satisfy
I keep running after broken cisterns that never satisfy

Won't you open up my soul
Won't you open up my soul

 

"but in allowing happiness to change it's form without being disappointed by the change;"

Have you ever noticed there are three types of people? The ones who see the best in others, but the worst of themselves. The ones who see themselves as the best, and the rest of the world as less. And the ones who get it right, they see the best and the worse in themselves and others and praise people in their strengths yet gently encourage them to grow in their weak areas.
This week I've really been struggling with the idea that I am failing, in all areas of life. Not in a, "woe is me, the world would be better without me" way. But in this way of having unrealistic expectations of myself that I would never expect of others. Of expecting people to find fault with me or my actions when I know in my heart I have done nothing to justify these feelings, when I have opened myself up to others to let me know when I've wronged them.
The truth is I know, I am far from perfect. I know I will make mistakes. If I took a step back I could look at this week and KNOW I have made a few. But I have been condemning myself when I easily could go to the Lord with sincerity in my heart, and be loved. And I have. But I need to be reminded that I am accepted as well.
Because the truth is I will make mistakes

I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
   apart from you I have no good thing.”  

But I was chosen even at my lowest points

God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things

—and the things that are not—

to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. 

And given a path to be made new

On the other hand, if we admit our sins

—make a clean breast of them—

he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. 

He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. 

I fell in love with our "quote for the day" this morning because the truth is happiness changes with the season, we are allowed to find it; but joy, true joy, comes from Jehovah. I'm so thankful for that. So let's preserve joy, and unwrap the mummy of self deprecation. So what are you and I not letting go of? It's been 24 days of journeying with God. Seeking Him out wholly. Will we wholly give ourselves to Him?

"happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up." ~Charles L. Morgan

Mentor

"Everyone must choose one of two pains:"

Currently:

Reading: Hebrews 12

Watching: Hebrews 12 Sermon by Misty Edwards

Listening:"I Will Run" by Misty Edwards

I will run the race set before me
I will seek Your face
As the prize of my life

I will run, I will run, I will run

All I want is You,
All I crave is You.

"the pain of discipline,"

In case you haven't caught on today, I've been studying Hebrews 12. And I'm loving what I am learning.
It's been interesting learning. It's been interesting growing over the past 20 days. And I am looking forward to what the next 10 hold. My drive to run after Him is more and more everyday. And I am finding I am so in love with Him. I'm learning to love everything about Him. From the moments He disciplines me, to the simple ways He shows me who I am. I am loved and I am His.

"or the pain of regret." ~Jim Rohn