Sunday, October 30, 2011

Old Overturn

 "Bring the past..."
Reading: Reading and re-writing the story of my life
Watching: "Boy Meets World"
Listening:"I Am Understood?" by Relient K
You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely

And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words
If I think of something worthy I know that its already yours
And through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again
You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then

This year has been a lot about me moving forward. But in order to move forward you sometimes have to look back.
Life is such a rare combination of past decisions meets future dreams. I have found myself so abundantly thankful over the past few weeks for the people who have surrounded me and shaped me over the past twenty-two years. The friends who are willing to stand next to me through big dreams and decided failures. Through insurmountable joy and crushing sadness and pain. I have so many fears but when I am surrounded by my friends I am  courageous. So I'll keep striving ahead knowing people are pushing behind me. Encouraging me, praying with me, walking beside me. And knowing we can look back together to remember and move forward.
"...only if you are going to build from it." 
~Domenico Cieri Estrada

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Letters to Baby P- Introduction

Dear Baby P,

     It's been a month since your mommy text me the news of your coming arrival. It took her five texts just to tell me there was a baby in her belly. Silly mommy!!! But I love her for it. And I love that I woke up at five in the morning and found that special text and couldn't go back to sleep, because I was so excited. Because I am so anxious to meet you!
     I remember the first time someone told me about your Mom. I was in seventh grade and a friend of your mom's (and mine) was talking about her. He told me we would get along great. And we met one day with that friend in the hallway of our junior high. I never would have guessed that day that ten years later she would be one of my very best friends. That we would laugh and cry together, that we would intercede for each other, talk about our hopes and dreams, including comparing the really weird ones we had while we slept.
     And you are only the beginning of one of her biggest dreams come true, becoming a mother. And in case you forgot she is going to be an AMAZING one. Or is... because, well, you won't be reading this for a while. She is being such a trooper through her pregnancy, even though you seem to be keeping her feeling pretty icky right now. Except for Sundays, which I hope is because you were born to be a worshiper and you know that while all days are meant for worship, that Sunday is set aside specifically for that purpose. My prayers right now for you are consumed with three things: that you and your mommy continue to grow healthy and strong, that you come safely when you are supposed to and the right size, and that you will realize your number one purpose in life is to worship God.
      But we will have a lifetime to watch you grow and to point you daily towards the Father.
Until then we are waiting for you. With open arms!!!

Aunt T

Sunday, October 23, 2011


"Most of the shadows in this life..."
Reading: New book soon!!!
Watching: "Get Smart"
Listening: I Have 2 songs stuck in my head right now
                    "Smile" by Judy Garland
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds, in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile, through your fear and sorrow
Smile, and there'll be tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through
If you'll just....
                     "High of 75" by Relient K

And now I'm sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light
And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive
     In case you haven't noticed today's theme... Well I guess you should just stop reading because if you haven't figured it out by now, you're not going to figure it out.

     Last week was messy. I was an emotional wreck. And yet there were no tears involved.  But yet here we are a week later and the situation hasn't been resolved, I've just changed my outlook on it.
     Over the past 4 months I've learned so much about myself, my character, and my life. One of the major things I've had to examine is my day to day outlook. So often as human beings we tend to want to sit staring at an empty glass when we have such a simple way to fill the glass back up. Yesterday, after almost a week of being hurt, offended, and angry, I realized I hadn't released any of my emotions to God. I was sitting in a puddle of resentment without trying to get out of it. And so I handed it all over. Everything I was feeling, everything I was thinking, everything that was eating away at me. I told God that no matter how my day went, that it was His. It didn't matter if everything went wrong as long as my focus was on Him. And can I just tell you it was like the clouds parted and the sun started shining down. Literally... and emotionally. I know that my peace is not based on emotions. But I am certainly glad to know that in the midst of everything, I can still smile. And walk day by day with Him when my emotions don't feel like they're mixed with peace.
"...are caused by our standing in our own sunshine." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sunday, October 16, 2011


I'm alive and quiet. That's all I have right now. I'll make it.

Sunday, October 9, 2011


"Passion is universal humanity."

Reading: My life is my novel right now
Watching: "Criminal Minds"
What can I do with my obsession
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees?
Sometimes You're further than the moon
Sometimes You're closer than my skin
And You surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns...for You

Passion: An intense desire or enthusiasm for something.
     I started this blog 4 months ago, with the desire to know myself more. To live life daily pursuing the things I love; then sharing how I found them, how I found myself in them. 
I've learned that I love to share my thoughts with all of you, even though it seems as though no one may be listening.
I've learned to love food and the benefits it brings to us. And how to make it new and interesting!
I've learned to love my body and the way it works. And how I can make it work.
And been reminded of the beauty of looking at things through a lens!
I love my friends to death. But the down side to all this is that I give my passions to so many things that I at times forget my obsessions.
Obsession: An idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind.
     It's easy to get caught up in the cycle of life and see mu passions as obsessions, and make my true obsession just a fleeting passion. I don't want to live my life so indulged in the dramas of everyday, and trying to make everyday happy, that I forget the truth. That everything I have, and am, and will be. Over the years I known my passions will change. I know I am passionate about the career I am pursuing. Maybe someday I will be passionate about a man, and the family he brings. Maybe someday I'll be passionate about an orphanage in another country. But the truth is that all my passions with the wrong obsession are worth nothing. God be my magnificent obsession!
"Without it religion, history, romance and art would be useless." ~Honoré de Balzac

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Over-done Part 2

"Shared joy is a double joy;"
The only currently I have right now is that I am listening to all kinds of country right now. Don't know why. It's just the kind of mood I'm in.

The past few days have had my mind racing at the speed of light. I'm learning so much about people. About humanity.  About grace.  About LIFE.

Sometimes people surprise you. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes you just have to wait and see.

     I've been told before I love too much. I've been told I have a lot more grace for people then most. I've been told I am too kind. That I let people walk over me. That I have to learn to stick up for myself.
     I know some of it is true. I know I've let people walk over me. But it's usually intentional. I'd rather let people walk over me and be stepping stool to Jesus. I don't always stick up for myself because I know it's no use at times and also that God can do a much better job sticking up for me than I ever could. But the rest of of it just makes me let out a sad chuckle. If people think this is true of me, please, I welcome you in to my brain for a day. I welcome you to the head that gets irritated at simple little things and yells at people in her head for meaningless actions, who secretly judges people I've never met. Not that I am that way all the time. But let's be honest I'm not a saint. For the sake or argument, let's say that all these things people say to and about me are true. I'm terrified looking at that world. Because if I love too much than we are in a desperate state of affairs. If I am considered to have more grace than most, what has happened to mankind? If I am too kind then take me back to the era where everyone you passed was greeted with a smile and treated with respect.
     I'll be honest. This month has really made me face myself, my people, my world, and my God. Because I can't always do and be all of these things. Because God has called us to be separate from them. Because I know there is a difference between this world and my God.
     Because trust me there are days I wish I could simply give up on people. There are days I wish I didn't have to try. Where I could just tell everyone every little thing that comes in to my head. I wish I could simply be hurt. I wish I could sit in it and hold it above people.
     But I can't. Because as someone pointed out. I am called to forgive seventy times seven. Because a man died just so that I could have a chance to live rightly. Because I was loved when I was unlovable. Because the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

So I'll forgive the person who's failed me once again. I'll smile. I'll be kind. I'll attempt to be Jesus, to someone who is so desperately searching for answers in places they'll never find them. I'll give them a second chance. Maybe not today. Maybe not in the way they would like me to. Maybe not running to them. But if they come...
I refuse to stop loving too much. 
I refuse to stop showing grace. 
I refuse to stop being kind, sweet, polite, whatever you want to call it. 
Because it's not me. Because there is no such thing as too much. Because it's Christ. I'll shine for him brighter than me any day. And the day I stop, I don't want to know myself.
"shared sorrow is half a sorrow" ~Swedish Proverb

Sunday, October 2, 2011


"We all have big changes in our lives,"
Reading: My life is my novel right now
Watching: Honestly Millionaire Matchmaker. Don't ask me why.
When he was seeing her
You could see he had his doubts
And now he's missing her
Because he knows he's missing out
Now it's haunting him
The memories like a ghost
He's so terrified
Cause no one else even comes close
Please don't read into the lyrics. It's a song stuck in my head. It's a song about second chances. And this weeks theme is second chances. Second chances with friends, family, guys. Some were well spent, others not so much, and some I'm still deciding...
But it's been hard. It's been beneficial. It's been exhausting. I'm thrilled. I'm disappointed. I feel like you could just put a list of random emotions in a brown paper bag and shake it and pull one out and I've felt it this week.
I don't know if there's a way to be wrong or right here. I don't know if there is, if there is a way to tell. I was reminded by a friend to forgive seventy times seven but what is the extent of forgiveness? How far do I have to go? What all does forgiveness entail? I don't know my mind is racing. Thoughts?
Right now I am just trying to process. And I don't know how. Still breathing...

"...that are more or less a second chance." ~Harrison Ford