I've been missing in action for almost three weeks now. And I am here to inform you that the hiatus will most likely be continuing until after surgery. Because I am spending all my time preparing, praying, and pondering. I don't know how quickly I will return. It will depend on my recovery. Until then.

Just A Minute

Currently
Reading: "The Root of Rejection" by Joyce Meyer
Watching: One Tree Hill  The last episode ever...
Listening: "Blue Sky" by Patty Griffin

The farther I come the farther I fall
Whatever I knew it was nothing at all
Nothing at all, just making me small
Smaller and smaller
I fall back

Sooner or later with a view from the ground
Chasing the race and the races run you down
Sooner or later with a view from the ground
And a tear in your eye
You say baby why can't we fly
Into the blue sky
High
Into the blue sky

                   "It's Been A Long Day" by Rosi Golan

Its been a long day and all I’ve got to say is make it strong
Its been a long a day and all I’ve got to say is I’ve been wrong
So take a leave of absence, tell me you’ll be gone, I don’t want to see your face.
Its been a long day and I just wanna hide away

Its been a long week and all the lines come down heavy on me
Its been a long week I’m finally feeling like its ok to break
Into a thousand pieces, no one can replace, only I can find my way.
It’s been a long day and I just wanna hide away

It’s been a long year and everyone around me disappeared
It’s been a long year and all this mess around me is finally clear
So can I have a moment? Just to say hello. Can you let your anger go?
It’s been a long year and I’m finally ready to be here.

This week has been extremely wearing. I don't even have words that begin to describe it. There were scary words tossed around. My laptop battery refuses to stay in. We had a freak storm here. Cable, Internet, ... Power lines out. Therefore busy work week. And I ended up in the Emergency Room on Friday.  I'm exhausted and haven't been able to get back to myself. It's eighteen hundred hours and I am still in my pajamas. It's not looking promising. And I've spent half the day trying to think of something clever to write. But I've got nothing. So maybe later this week, you'll see a follow up post. But for now...

Jail

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience,"

Currently:
Reading: "Coming Home" by Karen Kingsbury (Well I actually finished in a day)
Watching: NCIS
Listening: "Safe" by Natalie Grant

I'm not gonna hide
I'm not gonna run away
I'll uncover the scars
And show you every mistake
Your love is mending my blisters
And the bruising shame
Here with you
I am safe

Drowning the tears
Won't make it go away
It's robbing my soul
I'm taking this mask off my face
To discover love
And uncover all
It means to live and breathe

When you uncovered, I discovered
I am not afraid
But when we're hiding
We end up fighting
To be safe

"in which you really stop to look fear in the face..."

Security equals Jail.
Yep, that's what I said. You're not making the connection, are you? Well, it's taken me about a week to make the connection... so just sit back and listen to the story, while you give it a minute to sink in.
When I was a little kid, I used to stay home by myself after school. And if I walked up to my apartment building and saw someone at my door; I turned into instant spy. I would sneak through the pines that stood between the apartments and the house next door (don't worry I knew the kid that lived there, and so the parents weren't concerned) and made my way to the front of he building, where two giant willows stood. And there, under those long limbs, I would stay until the coast was clear. Seemingly invisible. I perfectly safe... and unable to move. In my own little jail...

This week, the idea was brought up that maybe the reason I struggle with peace is because I've never had security. I could think of a thousand reasons why that would be true.  Because the closest thing I've found to security in my life was to disappear into a tree or hide in a windowless room. Waiting for my gut to fall out or the other shoe to drop.
And thus security is a jail. Because you can't budge. You're held up in a tiny space, unable to move for fear of losing that one brief moment when you could breath. False security.
I recently heard someone say, "I don't allow others to rent space in my brain". Because when you allow others to rent space, they sit on your peace.
With the realization that I have spent my entire life searching out security, it saddens me to realize that I've boasted on knowing Christ; but have never trusted His depth enough to remain in his peace. Because I am safe in His arms. But I have to be willing to lay back in them, not waiting for the coast to clear so I can pop out.
So with all my might I am serving eviction notices. And I am settling in on the couch of peace God has given me. Because true security isn't a jail it's the get out of jail free card, but you have to be willing to use it.

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Eleanor Roosevelt