Monday, April 30, 2012

Ancestry Part Deux

"Big sisters,"
Reading: Work materials, love the feeling of being a student again!
Watching: The Voice
Listening: "Sisters" by Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen (dubbed by Trudy Stevens)

Those who've
Seen us
Know that not a single thing can come between us

"are the crab grass,"

So if you've ever met my sister, you know that the only thing my sister and I have in common with these lyrics is that we both have them memorized.

As per last nights blog, I am trying to knock out some of the posts I haven't been able to share due to life and exhaustion getting in the way. So here goes... The sister blog.

It seems like, from the minute I was born, I was destined to be different then my sister. For as euro baby as I am... pale skinned, light haired (although it has darkened to a light brown), long limb-ed, and narrow framed as I am. My sister is the exact opposite, she is the Italian Stallion, olive skinned, dark hair that I called black as a child, stubby limbs, and wider frame. Not to say that my sister wasn't pretty in her own right,  its just that most people don't even believe we are sisters until they have known us for a while.
From as far back as I can go my sister and I have always been different. If I loved something, it wasn't her favorite thing. If I didn't like someone, she loved them. When I wanted a sister, she wanted to be my mother. I've always been one to take all the time I need, my sister has liked to jump in head first. Which is why my perfectly good trip was spoiled when I got home.
Because my sister married someone she had only dated for a few months without telling her family... and thus a big flare up ensued. And yet another crazy family member has been revealed.
"in the lawn of life." ~Charles M. Shultz

Sunday, April 29, 2012


Horrible me never got back to the blogging this week... The past seven days could warrant there own posts each. Anything from another "Ancestry" post about my sister. Fools rush in, another. Wedding planning (NOT mine)! Opposite friends. The body, the machine. A recipe I tried last week. At desk fitness. Hopefully I'll check these off soon... But for now can I just say attitude makes all the difference!
Anyways this laptop is not helping my current state... and I have an early morning tomorrow! So for now; no currents, no quotes. Just rest. And fluids. And cold air. Snuggle time NOW!

Sunday, April 22, 2012


Reading: Nothing really... still
Watching:  Army Wives
Listening: "I'm Good" by Trip Lee

Partner you know I’m good to go
Pressure creates diamonds and fire refines the gold
There’s nothing on this planet that’s satisfying my soul
I’m living for tomorrow, today is out of control, fa sho, I’m Good
Take all my money, I’m good
Here comes the pain, I’m good
Yeah they can kill me, I’m good
To die is gain, I’m good
I ain’t saying that we don’t feel any pain/
I’m just saying you can’t take us out the game, cause homie we good
So I attempted to write this blog last night, but exhaustion and distractions took over the situation. It still has. Hopefully one day later this week, I will be able to write about my journey this past weekend. But right now, sleep is taking over..

Thursday, April 19, 2012


"It is often hard to distinguish"
Reading: Nothing really...
Watching:  Truthfully, I'm watching myself in the mirror; physically and metaphorically
Listening: "Clear the Stage" by Jimmy Needham

Take a break from all the plans that you have made 

And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper

Beg Him please to open up His mouth and speak

And pray for real upon your knees until they blister

Shine the light on every corner of your life

Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open

Then read the Word and put to test the things you've heard 

Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken

'Cause you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong; worship is more than a song

"between the hard knocks in life"

For my one faithful reader out there, I'm sorry I never got back to my thoughts from Sunday. Unfortunately my ramblings today are going to be a series of rabbit trails that spurred from Sunday's. The funny thing is I'm not sure which to start with... so I guess this post is about to be very organic in whatever comes out, it's going down. Except for typos, I always go back and fix them even if it's been a month since I posted them. Guess that was trail one.
    So since my old friend left, I've been in a funk. I know you may be thinking I'm longing for my old boyfriend, but there is a reason he is my EX. It really is just about what his trip stood for that got me to this point. I'm at a stand still when everyone else is moving forward. No, I'm not going on a rant about the same old things. Because ranting gets me no where. But this time it's got my attention, this time ALL of my closest, oldest, dearest friends are on new horizon's. And I, it seems, am right at the edge of the horizon going the opposite direction, taking the long way around. If I were honest, I'd say I've been in this particular funk for a couple months now; but it took someone in my face for it to fully set in and allow me to see it. Well I see it now, and it's the big elephant in the room. I am amazed that I've managed to function the past few days.
    It amazes me how a funk can completely take over one's life. It's prohibited my workouts, slowed my eating habits, invaded my mind, and distracted my spirit. I am so out of whack!!! I've sat here for four days listening to today's song, letting it breath life in to my worship, allowing a whisper of hope in. I'm packing an overnight bag this weekend, to get some new perspective... a different city, old friends and mentors, a quiet drive with Jesus. Hopefully it will refresh every part of me. I need it so desperately.
    I've felt so alone in this funk. I constantly give myself to other people, whenever they need direction, a listening ear, just a voice saying I'm here. And it frustrates me, that a lot of times it's one sided. That people don't realize my silence until I finally break down and call after a month. Or they call/text because they need something from you. It sucks! Sometimes, I think my friends think I am a robot, and they only realize I'm not working when I haven't been there for all the details.

This, this blog, seems to be my listening board. My place to put it out there. Because sometimes all I feel is the silence of this desert place.

"and those of opportunity." ~Frederick Phillips

Sunday, April 15, 2012


"The past is strapped to our backs."
Reading: Nothing really...
Watching:  "The Bounty Hunter"
Listening: "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood 

"We do not have to see it;"
 So Friday evening I got a text message from an ex-boyfriend/friend asking me if he could stay in my house. He's downstairs on an air mattress. It's reminding me a lot of the past. It's making me think a lot about the future (not with him). And it's eleven p.m. and my clothes are not picked out for tomorrow. So my thoughts will have to continue at a later time.
"We can always feel it." ~Mignon McLaughlin The Neurotic's Notebook 1960

Sunday, April 8, 2012


"Family quarrels are bitter things."
Reading: "Keeping Faith" by Jodi Picoult
Watching: DiNozzo DikKnows Best Marathon of NCIS
Listening: "Family Tree" by Matthew West

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

Cause you're my child
You're my chosen
You are loved
You are loved
And I will restore
All that was broken
You are loved
You are loved

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're bringing new life to your family tree now
Yes you are
You are

"They don't go by any rules."
My father called me today. Under normal circumstances this would be uneventful. But my family is anything but ordinary. Oh my family...
I realized today that I don't talk about them very often, mostly because I don't have the best relationship with them. But today, for some reason today, I am ready to talk about them.
"They're not like aches or wounds;"
So, where do I begin? Or should I say, so where do I begin? I have few memories of my father. At three years old my father sent his wife and three kids packing, so he could be with the new woman he loved. And those two thousand plus miles have stayed there ever since. I have seen my father three times since that day. The first I was too naive, the second I was literally forced (law enforced), and the third I was already an adult simply wishing someone had been wiser. So days like today, when my father calls me and leaves me simple messages, reminding me who he is and wishing me a "Happy Easter",  it might as well be two billion miles. A father should not be a stranger. But again two thousand times twenty adds up.
     I wonder if he ever thinks about me any other days but the holidays. I wonder if he has a clue when my birthday is. I wonder if he ever wishes that he hadn't traded in his wife and kids for other women; ruining so many other lives in the process. Four wives later, he still hasn't found happiness in any of them.
     I look like my mother, but I hate looking in the mirror today knowing I have his brown eyes, his big nose. I hate the fact that I have to work so hard to keep in shape because of him. I hate not knowing this whole other family. I hate feeling like because of him the whole state of California is off limits. I hate thinking that because of me, because I was just a baby my whole family paid for it.
     But truthfully, most days I don't think about him at all. I wasn't one of those kids who wished for mommy and daddy to get back together. I only think about him when someone brings him up or he tries to push himself on me, tries to be a daddy to his adult daughter. Our lives went two separate directions. And for the most part I am grateful. Because without him I got Him!!! I got a heavenly Father so much better than mine would have ever been. I got childhood friends and a lifetime of memories. I got a God daughter, and a bridesmaids dress, raspberries and laughter, encouraging phone calls, sounding walls. I got weekends, breaks, and summers. Hide outs and secret groups. I got a lifetime of memories that fills the walls that should have been his.  He missed out.
"they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal because there's not enough material." ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sunday, April 1, 2012


"A penny will hide"
Reading: Finished "Loving" by Karen Kingsbury  in a day and a half
Listening: "Feels Like Today" by Rascal Flatts

So while this storm is breaking
While there's light at the end of the tunnel
Keep running towards it
Releasing the pressure, that's my heartache
Soon this dam will break

Feels like, feels like your life changes
Feels like feels like your life changes

It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing you're wishin'
The last sacred blessin'
Feels like today

"the biggest star in the Universe"
     I'm sorry for my absence the past few weeks. Life, well, it just kept happening and I couldn't find a moment to stop and share. The first week I was missing, I was really overwhelmed. I discovered someone had been following me; and, well, I was pretty shaken up. And then last week my house was invaded by, not just one, but three people. I don't know that I could ever be prepared for that. And while it was nice to see old family friends, I was also very thankful when I came home to an empty house Thursday evening. It took me three days to catch up on my DVR. Wah wah waaaaaaah.

For weeks, okay more like months, I've been talking about all the impending change in my life. Well, it's all coming to a head.

     In case you missed my last post... my lovely friend gave birth to her first, my God daughter Samantha Anne on Friday afternoon. I am so proud of her. Not only because she was in labor for almost twenty-seven hours, but she also pushed out a nine pound baby. Her little girl looks just like my dream with her chubby baby cheeks. I literally slipped out a few tears when I got the text. Guess we can't go back now! We're growing up. But it's so exciting. Because how can you not be excited about life being made new? I can't believe I have to wait two months to hold her up close.
     Speaking of... We are officially under the two month mark for my best friends wedding. My dress is in! My shoes are bought. I've finalized a plan for my hair... and a back up plan in case my hair doesn't grow as much as I want it to!!! I'm testing my make-up tomorrow after I pick up my dress. Searching for a hotel to stay at while in town. I just keep trying to focus on all the grown up planning. Because I know the closer we get, the less I'm going to be able to think about these things; and the more I'm going to see those two little girls getting baptized, jumping on a "stolen" trampoline at midnight, and countless road trips to camps and conventions. But for as much as I have been afraid, I'm so happy for my friend. This is what is best for her and I can't wait to see the glow on her face that I've only heard on the phone. But I'm still going to be the girl in the back corner at the end of the night, watching and reminiscing with shoes in hand, while everyone is on the dance floor. Dang, I'm going to need a sweater!
Speaking of glowing... I feel like I'm glowing. My summer highlights are starting to weave some blonde into my winter brown hair! It's only the first of April!!!! Yikes! I'm already starting to get a small tan. My biceps are starting to show, and I'm working on some triceps. As I've been working on a new summer wardrobe, it's still odd to me picking out sizes for this body! But as I continue to lose weight, and gain muscle I'm becoming more accustomed to my healthy body!
And speaking of becoming accustomed, I start my official book training for my job this week! I don't know how I got here. It's scary, but I'm trusting God that he is guiding my path. And there is so much on the horizon.

I can't believe it's been ten months since I started this little blog and seventy-seven post later... and I can't believe I'm almost finished. Things aren't what I expected them to be... but we still have some road to go.

"if you hold it close enough to your eye." ~Samuel Grafton