Slaying Self

"Knowing what you want"

Currently
Reading: The Root of Rejection by Joyce Meyer
Watching: Cupcake Wars
Listening: "Hurt" covered by Johnny Cash

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

"is the first step"

Ever have something so simple become something so profound?
I was at Wendy's the other day. I had finished eating and I was waiting for my mom to return to the table. There in front of me sat a man with his three children; two girls and a boy. The father had gone to get the kids frosties and had asked each child what flavor they would like. The boy was the only one who asked for chocolate. But when the Father returned the son was distraught. His was different from his sisters. The father tried to explain to his son, that he had only gotten him what he asked for... but it wasn't enough for the saddened boy. And then I saw something so sweet happen...

How often do we ask for something and then when we get it we want what someone else has? We cry and cry asking for what someone else has when we have such a good gift. I find myself looking back on moments I've had like that before my surgery. I always wanted something more than what I had. But when I was faced with the possibility of death, I realized how grateful I was for all that I had. It's unfortunate that we have to come close to loss in order to be grateful.

So back to my story. I continued to watch it all play out.  No matter how hard the father tried to explain to him, the child was persistent. And so, what appeared to be the eldest child, leaned over to her brother. She said, "Do you want mine? You can have it. We'll trade." And with that the brother dug into her vanilla frosty and instantly stopped crying. I was wowed at the graciousness of this sister. The father didn't really say much to her, but I wanted her to know that someone saw. That someone recognized her generosity, her kindness, her willingness to put her brother before herself. So I dug in my wallet and found something that would be precious to this little girl. And so I gave her fifty cents. It wasn't much but I knew it would be like treasure to this small child. So I walked up to her and placed the change in front of her and said "That was a very nice thing you did. You are a good sister".  The father kept telling me it wasn't necessary. I told him I saw what happened and thought it deserved some positive reinforcement.

It was something so simple as trading what she wanted to make someone else happy. But yet as adults with struggle with this concept. Faith like a child...

"toward getting it." ~Mae West

Sleep

Currently
Reading: Honestly... nothing. Just the blogs I follow!
Watching: Stand Up To Cancer
Listening: "Ronan" by Taylor Swift

I know I was supposed to be back to a regular schedule... but I was exhausted yesterday! For that matter I didn't really have anything to talk about. And I still really don't.

This week has been full of friends. I video chatted with my dear friend and her daughter Sweet P. I also spoke with my other friend and her sister on Skype. I've chatted with some old friends from my prior job. Loving the people who are keeping me company and chatting with me through my recovery. I go back to work a week from tomorrow! Which is kind of exciting because there is only so much internet and television a person can take. Boredom has set in. But at the same time it's... WORK.

I don't know what my deal is the past two days. I feel like I am regressing. I am exhausted. And I have done less then I was doing a few weeks ago.

Slow Down

"Tell me, what is it"

Currently
Reading: "Love Finds You at Sunset Beach" by Robin Jones Gunn
Watching: Julie & Julia
Listening: "Steady My Heart" by Kari Jobe

But You're here

You're real

I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts

Even when it's hard

Even when it all just falls apart

I will run to You

Cause I know that You are

Lover of my soul

Healer of my scars

You steady my heart [x2]

 "you plan to do with your one"

I'm back! I eluded to the fact in my last post that I was having surgery. Well here I am two and a half weeks post surgery. Alive and well. Recovering. Tired all the time. But the key is ALIVE. It's insane to me that it's been almost two months since I have truly written a post on this, my friend, my blog.

For those of you that don't know,  when I mentioned in this post that I had been to the Emergency Room, I was having stroke like symptoms. At twenty three. I was terrified. And the news didn't get any better. I found out that day that I had a rare cyst on my brain. With in a few weeks of that I found out that I was going to have to have brain surgery. Not something I had planned on in the midst of me trying to go back to school and working full time.

I went in for surgery on a Thursday and was on my way home by Saturday afternoon. For the most part I've been doing well. However, I did past out about a week ago getting the mail and hit my head on the sidewalk. My staples came out on Thursday. My hair is working its way back. I'm getting out a little more. I will be okay.

I thank God for what happened though, because my doctor told me most people don't even know that they have this. They just die. And that blows my mind. I had such incredible peace through out the whole process. And I thank all the awesome people who kept praying peace over me. I felt it. I was ready no matter what the outcome was. The Lord delights in me! The song I posted was the last thing I remember before they put me under. I was singing it in my head, thanking God that He had me in the palm of his hand, and that He would steady my heart even though everything was falling apart... including me. If you haven't personally experienced this yet- Search for it. Because I was blown away. I was ready to live, I was ready to die; I knew where God was taking me.

"wild and precious life?" ~ Mary Oliver