Tuesday, February 26, 2013

On the Road (to recovery)

Absolutely nothing! I have been slacking in this department.
Watching: CSI:NY 
Listening: "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift

Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don't you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up 
This blog comes to you from the open road of Florida. Four days, three major stops, and several hundred miles by car. We are on the last leg, trying to get to that third stop before we reach our final destination: HOME. Over the last few days I've added Florida to the list of states I've visited, watched a dear friend get married, stood on the beach at the Gulf of Mexico, gone to Universal Studios, and am now on my way to have dinner with fifteen to twenty friends from school. My heart is both heavy and light. I am overwhelmed. And yet feel so blessed.
This trip was a Godsend, but it's unbelievably hard to imagine. The two hardest parts being, the wedding and the dinner I am about to attend.
I watched someone I love dearly get married. Someone, that when I was a child, I believed I would be marring. Now I've known, for quite sometime, that I would never be the one looking at him on this day. But I couldn't imagined what it would feel like to be there on that day. I somehow managed not to cry, but it was equally hard nonetheless. Now, don't get me wrong, his bride is lovely. I knew from the first time I spoke with her that she was the one he was going to marry. I even threatened him, if he didn't. I couldn't have hand picked anyone better if I tried. She is sweet and kind and is a match for match of him. I love her. But it's a different kind of love, a different kind of relationship that I have with her as opposed to him. I know that after this past Saturday nothing will be the same again. He has a wife now. She is his responsibility, his priority, and his number one friend. She is not the jealous type, but we've always had this relationship where we can not talk for ages and then pick right back up and talk for hours. It will never just be him and me again. It will always be them and me. And that makes me a little sad. I've tried to prepare myself for years, attempting to pull back and not feel this way. But I guess I did not expect it to come so soon or for it to happen to him first.
I am sadly pathetic in the way I scream I want to stay single, I don't want to have children; and yet in my heart I cry for companionship and nurturing, long to be longed for. I suppose if I ever want that to change, I will have to stop screaming "I don't want tos" and start being more open with myself. Although I so live in a cultural wasteland, so I guess good luck to me with that.
Oddly though, here I am feeling a mix of bravery and anxiety about my upcoming stop: dinner with MC.
I took a break from writing at this point, simply because I was exhausted.
Dinner, dinner was not what I planned, but it went alright. There were about ten people there and I shared what has happened over the past year or two, and how God has challenged me. And I think everyone left with a little more peace than they had before. Knowing what God has done in my lifeand how he's moved us forward. I trust God. I know that He had a purpose for last night. I just don't know all the details yet...