Friday, March 30, 2012

Dear Baby S.P. ~ Welcome to the World!

Dear Sweet P,

Or should I say Samantha Anne Pickering. Because now I know your name. And I know that you being here brings me hope for the world. You are new, you soul blemish free, as perfect as any human being can get. Our hope has always been brought my things being made new!
For over twenty-four hours I have been waiting, waiting for you to arrive. Although in reality it's been months. Today is a day I'll never forget! Today my little world changed all over again. Because you let one single cry out.
Your mom is amazing, and your dad has a kind heart. And all I can see is that you will be the best of both of them.
I haven't been this excited to welcome someone to the world in years, since my sweet nephew was born. But you, you are something different. Therefore it makes this feeling unique. Because you are the daughter of my best friend.
It will still be a while until I can hold you and tell you all these things in person! But until then...

We are no longer waiting,

But I'm here...
With open arms!!!!!

Aunt Tricia loves you!

Sunday, March 25, 2012


Sorry friends, yet again this will be a short sentence post. Company has invaded my home, and a migraine has invaded my house! Help!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, March 18, 2012


"Better a thousand times careful"
Reading: Rereading "Leaving" by Karen Kingsbury
Watching: Once Upon A Time
Listening: "Dream" by Priscilla Ahn.

I was a little girl
Alone in my little world
Who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees,
And fed my house guests bark and leaves,
And laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark
Through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.
"than once..."
This week was rough. Made my heart ache a bit. This week was full of introspection as several circumstances and conversations made me seriously look at the way I view the world. I don't have a lot of words today. I'm stuck in this place. It hurts. It's good. It's bad. It's upside down. But lets let truth find its way. 
For the first time in my life I felt truly unsafe in circumstances that seemed perfectly fine. And it just made me vulnerable. At the same time it made me fight harder. I've worked out more. I've found myself looking deeper. 
But still there's times where I feel like the purple people eater could get me.
 "...dead." ~Proverb

Friday, March 16, 2012

Letters to Baby P~ Memories

Dear (Sweet) Baby P,

One day your mom will tell you about the day she fell in love with your daddy. And that story will always be hers. But there is always an outside perspective...
I remember when your mommy started hanging out with your dad. They would go out at least once a weekend. And I would just laugh. Why you may ask? Because your mother INSISTED they were not dating. I remember for months she would talk about this guy she was hanging out with, and I would say ooooo you're going on a date. Your mother's immediate response was NO!!! it's not a date.
After almost a year your mom finally admitted that she was dating your dad. I remember she finally came to see me, and your dad couldn't leave her alone- even for a day! And I told your daddy, "You can't have her she's mine! And boy was I wrong!
I remember how timid your mother was to say she was dating your daddy, but when she truly started dating him her feelings were clear. I asked her one day if Mike asked you to marry him tomorrow, would you say yes? Her answer was resoundingly yes. 
Another year passed, as I was running around New York when I got the phone call, that felt like the beginning and the end all at once. Your dad had taken your mom to "their" bench and asked her to marry him. And of course she said yes.
Eight months later, your mother looked stunning as she walked down the aisle. The photos I saw of your dad with that first look down the aisle, said it all. They adored each other.
And eleven months to the day, you are cleared to be hear. While we hope you wait a few more weeks and make it to your due date.
I know this was such a short overview, and it seems sprinkled with magic dust. Well for the most part it was. But the truth is that every relationship will have its ups and downs, but all that matters is that God is the center and love is what matters.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Make it Meaningful

"Those who expect moments of change..."
Reading: Rereading "Leaving" by Karen Kingsbury
Watching: In Plain Sight
Listening: "Wedding Song" by Anais Mitchell

Lover, when I sing my song
All the rivers sing along
And they’re gonna break their banks for me
To lay their gold around my feet
All a-flashing in the pan, all to fashion for your hand
The rivers gonna give us the wedding bands

"to be comfortable and free of conflict..."
 This week a match has been lit, an unquenchable burning has begun. It's that soul cry for wanting to do something more; the desire for something new, something different, some sort of change as scary as it may be.
My world has been a blur lately, a big buzz of change to come; from my own back door to the corners of the world.
A month ago I started a new job. It's a constant blur of change. It's up, it's down, it's running around in circles. I feel like I'm on top of the world. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I don't know which way is up or down. Or what day of the week it is.
At the end of this week there is a strong possibility that my god daughter will enter the world. She will be the first of many children my dear friends will have. She will create a new kind of stirring in my heart, but yet that familiar love that comes with a new life being born.
By the time the school year ends, my best friend will be married. MARRIED. The world will never be the same. She won't be my best friend anymore. She'll be his. But the growing it's stirred in her, it's something else.
There's so much change going on around me. But I still feel like there is so much more to it. Have you ever felt like your hope for change is gone, like your dreams have stopped... and then you wake up. I used to dream about changing the world, about making a difference. I used to imagine myself as a safe haven for those you are lost; lost in the world, lost in their homes, lost in themselves. Somewhere along the way I forgot how to dream... And then I saw this.
I normally avoid politics, because frankly, as smart as people think I am, I don't know much about them. I would rather not paint myself as the idiot. But I know what I believe in and stand for. Which is why, today, I am also forgoing my normal policy of not posting personal pictures. Last week I couldn't help take notice as my Twitter and Facebook feeds filled with links and hash tags all reading the same thing. Many people are just posting this because they are moved by the video associated with the link. Which is perfectly respectable, it is such a moving video. However, it's so much different when you have met these people. When they have danced, sung, and laughed. After they have shared their culture. When they have told their stories first hand. These people have such soft spirits, but you still can hear the agony in their voice as they tell you what they've been through. When they tell how their world was ripped apart. We think we are too small to make any difference. But all the great changes were made when someone said enough is ENOUGH. Look at the pictures. Listen to the story. Stand up and say something. Even if it's just a simple re-post with no comment at all.

"have not learned their history." ~Joan Wallach Scott

Sunday, March 4, 2012


"One is a member of..."
Reading: "Predator" by Terri Blackstock
Listening:"These Hands" by Victory World Music featuring Montell Jordan

Sorry for the lack of lyrics this week. It's something new. But this testimony is AWESOME. And Montell Jordan is truly a down to earth man.

"a country, a profession, a religion, a religion.

When I was a kid we went to this family church. It was one of those you were born in to it, you died in it. And there were several of us who grew up in this little part of suburbia together, even though we only saw each other on the weekends. It was a church big on fellowship, always a committee meeting, or a planning group, or after church event. It thrived as that, but politics were mixed with hierarchy and nepotism; and while they were believers in the spirit it wasn't always spirit led.
And so I found myself at sixteen, choosing my own church for the first time. I followed all the hype and settled in to an exciting youth group closer to my home. My friends from school were there , and the energy was captivating, but the adult aspect wasn't catching me as I grew. Plus, I was still divided between two churches.
With the warring in my heart, my mom and I made the leap to move several hundred miles away.  For the first time in my life we were in a season we couldn't go to church.
So when we finally found a church we were hungry for a church home and we quickly settled into a worship based church that thrived on people exercising their talent for the Lord. And it was home for quite the season. But they were unwilling to extend a hand when needed.
My heart was starving for a change though and I ventured to a new land yet again. This church was extremely large in comparison to what I was used to, but it stirred my heart in ways I never knew it could. All the things that my other churches seemed to miss out on, this church seemed to get... and so much more.
A year and a half later I found myself at home again and life was messy and complicated. Church services weren't really an option yet again.
But now here I am, life cleaned up as much as I can and able to worship in the way I desire! It's hard though, because I have to try so hard to push my comparisons down. But the worship has felt staged, the pastors are screaming at me, and the people have just walked by without so much as a nod.

I'm trying so hard to find a place to call home. Without dwelling... on all the other homes I've had.
So where is home???

"One is not just a man." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery Wartime Writings 1939-1944

Thursday, March 1, 2012


"You have to leave the city of your comfort"
Watching: The Vow
Listening:"The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script

Going Back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
Saying, "If you see this girl can you tell her where I am?

"and go into the wilderness of your intuition."

You know until I was reading my list of currents, I had no idea why today's subject was weighing so heavily on my mind tonight. Now, I wonder how it hasn't been all week long.
I'm the girl who remembers everything and forgets nothing. I'm the girl who yearns for more. I'm twenty-two years old, almost twenty-three. And right now my heart is aching.
Let's talk about the sixteen year old.  The one with big plans and grand adventures. The count on me girl. The put together girl. The one with all the friends who held her heart. The one with the friends she knew like the back of her hand. The ones in whom the world revolved around. The one who knew how to make friends so quickly.
I thought when you were a teenager life was supposed to be crazy and messy, and when you grew up you would put it all together. But I have news for you, I'm grown up and more messed up than I've ever been.

"What you'll discover will be wonderful."

I miss that girl so dearly lately. Her world, while far from perfect, was neat and easy to follow. There was always a crowd of friends to laugh and hang out with. There was always a new comer waiting to be greeted. There was always a next step ready to be taken. Yet here I am with none of these things. A wandering soul who's lost her way. What does it all mean? I keep asking for a stirring in my heart, something new and exciting and life-full to arise. But I've shut myself into a box, and hidden from the world. I have friends, but they are at a distance. And so I work and come home, go to the grocery store and come home. The passion has faded and sometimes I feel utterly alone... So I'm trying. I'm trying to find this mix of the girl I've become and the girl I've used to be. To venture out of the lock I've put myself in and find a new way. But the process at times is strangling. I want to learn to let go and move on, so I can be bold again. If the others want me, they'll always have a way to find me.
Well now that I've driven myself crazy with my thoughts and let them lead me here, it's time to find rest. For my body, mind, and soul.

"What you'll discover is yourself."  ~Alan Alda