M(e)adness

"You have to leave the city of your comfort"

Currently:

Reading: "What Happened to Goodbye" by Sarah Dessen

Watching: The Vow

Listening:"The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script

Going Back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
Saying, "If you see this girl can you tell her where I am?

"and go into the wilderness of your intuition."

You know until I was reading my list of currents, I had no idea why today's subject was weighing so heavily on my mind tonight. Now, I wonder how it hasn't been all week long.
I'm the girl who remembers everything and forgets nothing. I'm the girl who yearns for more. I'm twenty-two years old, almost twenty-three. And right now my heart is aching.
Let's talk about the sixteen year old.  The one with big plans and grand adventures. The count on me girl. The put together girl. The one with all the friends who held her heart. The one with the friends she knew like the back of her hand. The ones in whom the world revolved around. The one who knew how to make friends so quickly.
I thought when you were a teenager life was supposed to be crazy and messy, and when you grew up you would put it all together. But I have news for you, I'm grown up and more messed up than I've ever been.

"What you'll discover will be wonderful."

I miss that girl so dearly lately. Her world, while far from perfect, was neat and easy to follow. There was always a crowd of friends to laugh and hang out with. There was always a new comer waiting to be greeted. There was always a next step ready to be taken. Yet here I am with none of these things. A wandering soul who's lost her way. What does it all mean? I keep asking for a stirring in my heart, something new and exciting and life-full to arise. But I've shut myself into a box, and hidden from the world. I have friends, but they are at a distance. And so I work and come home, go to the grocery store and come home. The passion has faded and sometimes I feel utterly alone... So I'm trying. I'm trying to find this mix of the girl I've become and the girl I've used to be. To venture out of the lock I've put myself in and find a new way. But the process at times is strangling. I want to learn to let go and move on, so I can be bold again. If the others want me, they'll always have a way to find me.
Well now that I've driven myself crazy with my thoughts and let them lead me here, it's time to find rest. For my body, mind, and soul.

"What you'll discover is yourself."  ~Alan Alda