Thursday, May 9, 2013

Maybe Marriage

"She lies awake and listens to what her heart has to say,"

"Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis

Watching: Ready For Love 

Listening: "When I Was Your Man" by Bruno Mars

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man
"hears it declare that this is the beginning of her own new year,"
I hear it a lot. "You are going to make a great mom someday". "You are such an encourager". "You have that nurturing instinct".  Never have I heard, "You are going to be such a good wife", "You are such a Proverbs Thirty-One woman", or "You are going to make a great partner for someone".

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past week or two. Future thinking. Going crazy, have to turn off all the lights and sit in a dark room, with just some music, and my thoughts thinking. I cried. I prayed. I listened and conversed with God. I drove myself crazy until I fell asleep.

Why is it that people tell me I would make a great mother, but not a great wife? I struggle with this. I struggle knowing what is next. I keep trying to shape myself. I find myself making goals, attempting to become this modern day Proverbial woman. A Mary and Martha combined in to one person. But at the same time, I don't pretend to have any prospects. I don't begin to fathom my life radically changing in the near future. I struggle with the idea of someone possibly wanting me.

And then I laugh at myself... I am terrified of finding someone. Because then I would have to bare my everything to them. My entire world would change. They would have to know my deepest, darkest parts. They would be introduced to the crazy, irrational, psychopathic mess that is my family. That opens up a whole other can of worms.

I don't know where I am going. I am lost with no direction. And I find God subtly reminding me of the words He spoke over me three years ago. I try to remember that I don't need to be hunting, I don't need to be planning, I just need to rely on His truth. His plans are so much better than mine.

I will wait, I will wait for you.

"and in this year she will, she won't, and she'll start..."

Thursday, May 2, 2013


 "A phone call from an old friend, just when you needed it. The sound after a snowfall. A perfect peach."

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
Watching: Remember Sunday

Listening: "Firefly" by Jimmy Needham

It's tulips and it's daisies
Your favorite flowers lately
You think that I ain't listening, but you know I do
With your two lips on me baby
My head starts getting dazey
Don't give me a flower
What I want is you 

"A moment of sheer confidence. Finding the right words. Feeling strong. Knowing the answer. Green lights."

It's funny how you blindly pick up habits of the people around you. They sneak their way into your system unknowingly. And then one day they catch you off guard.

Over the past few days I have found myself automatically making gestures and comments that almost feel wired into my DNA. Nothing major or life altering. Mostly simple things I almost don't notice and that at the very last second... I do. Things like bouncing my shoulders when I get excited. Or shouting Auy Guay! Or pull my hair half back loosely in a clip. Simple things that make no difference in the grand scheme of it all, but make a marked difference in the day to day.

It is in those miments that I feel them with me. I feel their love for me and I love them so dearly. I lived life with them everyday for long periods of time. They bring joy to my life. They put smiles on my face. I carry them with me. They are a part of me.

"New growth. A compliment. Quiet time. Sudden laughter."