Sunday, June 24, 2012


"She needs no map to discover where she is going, or how to get there."
Reading: Karen Kingsbury book comes out Tuesday!

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
"Her map is written in her heart-"
Once upon a time my art hung on the walls of a gallery. I rode a horse as fast as lightening, I was a famous actress on stage, I taught a class of thirty kids, I was in ministry. Okay, so these are only half truths. The only gallery my art has been in, is the walls of my home. I've rode a horse before, on a guided trail. I used to act on stage; however I was only famous in my small town if you can call it that. I've taught a class of two year old kids, for a year. And I've only been in ministry for a season. But once upon a time I thought I could make a life doing these things. Once upon a time I had dreams that made me tick. Once upon a time...
Usually stories that start with "Once upon a time" usually end with "Happily ever after". Although we were later taught that life doesn't really work that way. And then we grew up. Passions were traded for pensions. Dreaming turned into everyday living, surviving.
I'm sorry if my "stories" as of late have been driving you crazy, but they have been the best way for me to examine and explain my life. I've been in a slump for a while now. And in case you didn't know,
"Slumps are like a soft bed. Easy to get into and hard to get out of." ~Johnny Bench
And if I were honest, I would say I have been struggling to get out of this bed for about three months. Its been a stirring ground for introspection. A decided thought for different days. The winding path of the week. We get so caught up in living everyday life, we have forgotten what it means to dream. We have forgotten that kid who lived inside of us who said nothing could stop us. We forgot what it was like to live my faith, that God was in control of our paths. That they are GOOD and EXCITING things. But that sometimes he requires us to take some action first. But that we also have to be content with the seasons.
This week I've been meditating on the path that lies ahead. Along with the person I want to be. In these thoughts I kept telling myself I had to start with ABC if I ever wanted to get XYZ. I kept telling myself that when I accomplished certain things I would become a different person. That characteristics I wanted to see in myself would just magically appear. Or that I would instantly be chic and stylish. Maybe that I would always be happy. Nevertheless, the truth is, life events will not change who I am. They can shape, guide, and direct me. Even so I have to actually make the change. And I have to be content in the seasons. I have to rejoice in who I am now, knowing that God has ordained this time and He's molding me to the person He called me to be.
"-its roads and rivers are her dreams, her strength, her confidence."
Over the next several weeks I am lining up several appointments. I am setting up a meeting with a school counselor so I can get back in to school, and moving towards my degree. I'm also calling a counselor, because I find I am at my best when I have a sounding board. I'm looking into some gyms, because I love the way I feel when I exert my body to make it strong and I feel like spending the money will ensure I follow through. My fridge is going on a detox, back to being full of fruits and veggies. I'm putting away my debit card, because while I have never let my account empty, I have been way less conscientious on my spending than normal. I really need to find some good thrift stores. In addition to exploring my options for what comes next.Which can only be found by diving into Him. I'm opening myself up, even though that may mean closing doors behind me.
I am a style. I am beauty. I am grace. I am strong. I am confident. I am polite. I am wise. I am true.
I am me.
"The way is not always easy, but when she takes a moment to notice the scenery, she sees that it is always beautiful."
I am her.

Sunday, June 17, 2012


This post has been edited and extended as of June 21at. Changes have been added through out the post, so if you don't want to miss them, you'll have to read the whole thing!
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss,  and have found their way out of the depths."
Reading: I have nothing!
Watching: "Let It Shine"
Listening: "Be My Escape" by Relient K
I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

"These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with a compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern."

I often find myself having conversation...with absolutely no one... in my head. The topic this week... grace. Topic stemmed from... conversations about my singleness. I know, if you don't live in my head you just had a connection misfire.


[greys] Show IPA noun, verb, graced, grac·ing.
1. elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action: We watched her skate with effortless grace across the ice. attractiveness, charm, gracefulness, comeliness, ease, lissomeness, fluidity. stiffness, ugliness, awkwardness, clumsiness; klutziness.
2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment: He lacked the manly graces.
3. favor or goodwill. kindness, kindliness, love, benignity; condescension.
4. a manifestation of favor, especially by a superior: It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school. forgiveness, charity, mercifulness. animosity, enmity, disfavor.
5. mercy; clemency; pardon: He was saved by an act of grace from the governor. lenity, leniency, reprieve. harshness.

Back when I was in MC I did a word study on the word grace, but I focused a lot on the physical description of it. The fluidity, the charm, the kindness. 
But as I sat reflecting on dating, I hashed out this list of things I would and wouldn't accept in a guy. He had to have piercing eyes and a strong jaw. He had to be one who served. Someone who would keep up with me, because I don't sit still long. He'd need to be someone to make me laugh, which takes a rare type of person. My hand had to fit in his. Then I made a list of personal history this guy couldn't have, I got a knot in the pit of my stomach. He couldn't have a history with cigarettes, or drugs, or alcohol. And he certainly had to be a virgin. I didn't want some guy who was going to carry baggage into our relationship. These things were obviously things that he would struggle with over and over. Things that would cause him temptation. And I didn't want to deal with that. My hand couldn't possibly fit in to that. And then there was a "Wow, I'm that girl."
I sat by myself, finding my heart running over and over these thoughts. "So, you basically want someone perfect?" "No, not perfect." "But you just said he can't have things in his life that tempt him." "No, just things that are repetitive struggles." "Or temptations...?" "Oh" "And I would like to point out, you have a re-occurring struggle." "I do?" "You have an issue with food, most men like food... and confidence. Maybe you should have some grace."
That dialogue with myself broke my heart. Because I preach that the beauty of grace, is that it makes like not fair. I've willingly received so much grace in my life, because God loves me so much he freely extends it. I tried to destroy the body God gave me. I struggled with an eating disorder. I still at times struggle with the words that eating disorder left in my head. I myself struggle with lust. It's not just a man's issue. Yet when it came time to think about giving grace to someone I would/should/could? love, I sat there and doled out a list of why I could never give him grace. Isn't love supposed to be unconditional? It made me question how often I am willing to accept grace and talk about grace, but too cold and stingy to give it out. Grace, it's a two way street.
I want to live my life open handed. And that means living a life full of grace... Stand by for some changes to come. God's examining my heart... results in soon.
 "Beautiful people do not just happen."
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Sunday, June 10, 2012


"She still speaks to the little girl who wanted to be an artist, a doctor, a poet, a wing-walker."
Watching: Fairly Legal
Listening: "Mirror" by Barlow Girl
Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try

"She listens when that little girl talks, when she paints pictures of the clouds, when she draws something huge in sidewalk chalk."

I often find myself talking about this little girl. I tell stories about her. I talk to her. I remember her. And I wonder what happened... to me.
With all the events that have happened this spring, I find myself thinking about her more; because she is getting farther and farther away. And so is her character... 
Because if I were honest I would say this:
I am actually on the shy side. I would rather wait for you to come to me, and am rather embarrassed to share anything about myself at first. The whole reason I started this blog was because I wasn't able to say the things I write on here out loud. I read something earlier today that defined an introvert as someone who feels like they lose energy when spending time with others, as opposed to an extrovert who gains it. I am of the first variety. Shocking I know.  But I have spent so much time on my own over the years it's hard for me to be any other way. Which is why after a year and a half of being home, I have yet to make any friends that I actually hang out with and talk to on a regular basis. Or why the concept of a relationship is at times terrifying. I'm paranoid like crazy. A nervous wreck. I doubt myself all the time. Wonder what is next. Often play what-ifs, shoulda-coulda-wouldas, and why's.

guide to understanding the introverted

And I want that little girl back.
The one that didn't care how many people actually took the time to call me. Who bounced from play to play, to be any character I had the opportunity to play; from Pocahontas to a grandmother. The girl who could say hi and have a friend in an instant. Who was always busy. Bold. Confident. Fearless. The one who didn't have to worry about self-esteem. The one who didn't give a crap about appearance. Or health. Or weight. Or what people thought of me living with my mom. Or what my relationship status was. BUt most importantly I want her faith. Because there was never a doubt in her mind, that God was the beginning and the end of everyday. That God would provide. That God was enough. More than enough. Heaven help me, bring me back to her. Please...

"She makes every day a place for old dreams and new dreams, dreams that tower and dreams that whisper."

I am her.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012


"Because time itself is like a spiral,"
Watching: Jane By Design
Listening: "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
"something special happens on your birthday each year:"
 A year ago today, I started the journey of my twenty second year. I had big plans and high hopes. However, none of them really happened... except for working full time. I didn't start school; they screwed me over. I didn't re-enter the world. Turns out it's kind of hard when you've been gone for so long. I am helping people now, in a way I never knew I would. But my health, and healthy living, has taken a back burner to it. And the perspective has yet to come.

It's been a long year. I have it all in writing. And I don't know what's next. I am not putting any specifics or limitations on what this next year will hold. There is no telling what the future will hold. I am simply putting myself out there. I am in God's hands. As scary as that is. I promise no consistency on here. But I promise you this, I am once again searching, striving to find me...
This is my twenty-third year.

"Who is she?

She is a daughter. She is a best friend. She is a pocketful of light. She is a spark of something good, getting brighter; a dream grown large; the right thing at the right time.

She is a dancer, a singer, a thinker, a truth-teller. A connoisseur of all the things this wide world has to offer. Her spirit is the first thing people notice. Her mind always had a mind of its own. Her heart, though it has sometimes been hurt, bears a strong resemblance to a daffodil: it always flowers again.

So she wakes with anticipation. She finds new hills to climb. And everyone agrees that the very fact of her in the world means there is still so much good to come.

Who is she? She is me. She is you.

I am her.
"The same energy that God invested in you at birth is present once again."~Menachem Mendel Schneerson

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


So tonight I was sitting in the car on the way home, thinking about how I was going to tell my group that I basically quit reading the bible in 90 days. I felt awful about it. But I had a wedding to plan. I had a stomach bug. My house was a mess. I had company in town. I was just way too... busy. Wait... did I just say that? That I am too BUSY for God? I did. Wow. Who am I that I don't have time for God? That I became too important to stop and take notice of my creator? And that was how the conversation with myself went.
But the sad truth is that we often have this conversation with God himself. Yes God, I know you are there, but I have twenty things to get done and I just don't have time for you. You are only the reason I am living, but that isn't important. How ridiculous do we sound? So I am going to do my best to catch up even though I am fearfully behind. Because God is way more important than the twenty things on my to do list that won't even matter tomorrow. I would rather invest in eternity!

Monday, June 4, 2012


"A baby is"
Reading: Waiting for my new book end of June
Watching: Iron Chef
Listening: "My Girl" by The Temptations
"God's opinion"
Lately, life has felt like a constant game of catching up! I've been a busy bee, and yet I have no life. Last week as I reminisced on my best friend's wedding, I had already had another memory making day. Because I finally got to meet my Sweet P! I came in with arm fulls of gifts for my precious baby girl and had to instantly drop everything and sanitize so I could get that precious baby girl in my arms.

There is something so magical about holding a baby that you have waited on. It's like to the climax to a suspense movie, everything has been leading up to this one moment and the rest is just like a downhill ride.
The second she was in my arms, she captivated me. I stared at her and then closed my eyes quickly to seal in the moment. It was like heaven meets dream meets earth. And I couldn't have loved her anymore. For the rest of the day she was mine. I would like to mention that I am the baby in my family, so in case you didn't know we are very possessive! I held her as she slept, pushed her stroller as we walked, and walked with her as cried. I burped her, changed her, and clothed her. And loved every minute. The thing about moments, is just that, they are moments. I only had a few hours with Samantha after several long months of waiting for her; and like that they were gone until next year.

Last week I compared the day to a flower unfolding; but maybe the reality is it's like a dandelion. It's bright and colorful and rooted and then in a moment in fades away and you are gently spreading it on other parts of your life.

"that the world should go on." ~Carl Sandburg