Justice

This post has been edited and extended as of June 21at. Changes have been added through out the post, so if you don't want to miss them, you'll have to read the whole thing!

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss,  and have found their way out of the depths."

Currently:

Reading: I have nothing!

Watching: "Let It Shine"

Listening: "Be My Escape" by Relient K

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

"These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with a compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern."

I often find myself having conversation...with absolutely no one... in my head. The topic this week... grace. Topic stemmed from... conversations about my singleness. I know, if you don't live in my head you just had a connection misfire.

grace

 [greys] Show IPA noun, verb, graced, grac·ing.

noun

1. elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action: We watched her skate with effortless grace across the ice. Synonyms: attractiveness, charm, gracefulness, comeliness, ease, lissomeness, fluidity. Antonyms: stiffness, ugliness, awkwardness, clumsiness; klutziness.

2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment: He lacked the manly graces.

3. favor or goodwill. Synonyms: kindness, kindliness, love, benignity; condescension.

4. a manifestation of favor, especially by a superior: It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school. Synonyms: forgiveness, charity, mercifulness. Antonyms: animosity, enmity, disfavor.

5. mercy; clemency; pardon: He was saved by an act of grace from the governor. Synonyms: lenity, leniency, reprieve. Antonyms: harshness.

Back when I was in MC I did a word study on the word grace, but I focused a lot on the physical description of it. The fluidity, the charm, the kindness. 

But as I sat reflecting on dating, I hashed out this list of things I would and wouldn't accept in a guy. He had to have piercing eyes and a strong jaw. He had to be one who served. Someone who would keep up with me, because I don't sit still long. He'd need to be someone to make me laugh, which takes a rare type of person. My hand had to fit in his. Then I made a list of personal history this guy couldn't have, I got a knot in the pit of my stomach. He couldn't have a history with cigarettes, or drugs, or alcohol. And he certainly had to be a virgin. I didn't want some guy who was going to carry baggage into our relationship. These things were obviously things that he would struggle with over and over. Things that would cause him temptation. And I didn't want to deal with that. My hand couldn't possibly fit in to that. And then there was a "Wow, I'm that girl."

I sat by myself, finding my heart running over and over these thoughts. "So, you basically want someone perfect?" "No, not perfect." "But you just said he can't have things in his life that tempt him." "No, just things that are repetitive struggles." "Or temptations...?" "Oh" "And I would like to point out, you have a re-occurring struggle." "I do?" "You have an issue with food, most men like food... and confidence. Maybe you should have some grace."

That dialogue with myself broke my heart. Because I preach that the beauty of grace, is that it makes like not fair. I've willingly received so much grace in my life, because God loves me so much he freely extends it. I tried to destroy the body God gave me. I struggled with an eating disorder. I still at times struggle with the words that eating disorder left in my head. I myself struggle with lust. It's not just a man's issue. Yet when it came time to think about giving grace to someone I would/should/could? love, I sat there and doled out a list of why I could never give him grace. Isn't love supposed to be unconditional? It made me question how often I am willing to accept grace and talk about grace, but too cold and stingy to give it out. Grace, it's a two way street.
I want to live my life open handed. And that means living a life full of grace... Stand by for some changes to come. God's examining my heart... results in soon.

 "Beautiful people do not just happen."

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross