Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Over-done Part 2

"Shared joy is a double joy;"
The only currently I have right now is that I am listening to all kinds of country right now. Don't know why. It's just the kind of mood I'm in.

The past few days have had my mind racing at the speed of light. I'm learning so much about people. About humanity.  About grace.  About LIFE.

Sometimes people surprise you. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes you just have to wait and see.

     I've been told before I love too much. I've been told I have a lot more grace for people then most. I've been told I am too kind. That I let people walk over me. That I have to learn to stick up for myself.
     I know some of it is true. I know I've let people walk over me. But it's usually intentional. I'd rather let people walk over me and be stepping stool to Jesus. I don't always stick up for myself because I know it's no use at times and also that God can do a much better job sticking up for me than I ever could. But the rest of of it just makes me let out a sad chuckle. If people think this is true of me, please, I welcome you in to my brain for a day. I welcome you to the head that gets irritated at simple little things and yells at people in her head for meaningless actions, who secretly judges people I've never met. Not that I am that way all the time. But let's be honest I'm not a saint. For the sake or argument, let's say that all these things people say to and about me are true. I'm terrified looking at that world. Because if I love too much than we are in a desperate state of affairs. If I am considered to have more grace than most, what has happened to mankind? If I am too kind then take me back to the era where everyone you passed was greeted with a smile and treated with respect.
     I'll be honest. This month has really made me face myself, my people, my world, and my God. Because I can't always do and be all of these things. Because God has called us to be separate from them. Because I know there is a difference between this world and my God.
     Because trust me there are days I wish I could simply give up on people. There are days I wish I didn't have to try. Where I could just tell everyone every little thing that comes in to my head. I wish I could simply be hurt. I wish I could sit in it and hold it above people.
     But I can't. Because as someone pointed out. I am called to forgive seventy times seven. Because a man died just so that I could have a chance to live rightly. Because I was loved when I was unlovable. Because the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

So I'll forgive the person who's failed me once again. I'll smile. I'll be kind. I'll attempt to be Jesus, to someone who is so desperately searching for answers in places they'll never find them. I'll give them a second chance. Maybe not today. Maybe not in the way they would like me to. Maybe not running to them. But if they come...
I refuse to stop loving too much. 
I refuse to stop showing grace. 
I refuse to stop being kind, sweet, polite, whatever you want to call it. 
Because it's not me. Because there is no such thing as too much. Because it's Christ. I'll shine for him brighter than me any day. And the day I stop, I don't want to know myself.
"shared sorrow is half a sorrow" ~Swedish Proverb

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