Defeated

"Supposing you have tried and failed again and again."

Currently:

Reading: Finally reading "Longing" by Karen Kingsbury 

Watching: The sun trying to shine through my red curtain

Listening: "We All Fall" by Superchick

We all fall
Sometimes
We all let ourselves down
Sometimes there's nothing left but to live with what's been done
And know you're not the only one
Who falls

We all fail
Sometimes
We all let someone down
Sometimes there's thing left but to promise to ourselves
That next time we won't be the one
To fail

I want to tell you you can go on
That life's beginnings come from ends
I still believe in you
And so does God
He's the one who still believes in those who fail
He's the one who still believes in us who fall...

"You may have a fresh start any moment you choose,"

So yesterday... was NOT a good day. Minor things just kept seeming to fall into bigger things and I was angry and upset.  I didn't leave when I wanted to. I watched my "bus" pull up when I was still about 2 blocks away. Things cost more than I planned. I ran out of hands on the way home. My internet went down for about 4 hours. I dropped my laptop (while open) on my mom's glass Christmas decoration. Did not end well for the glass ornament and my screen has some new scratches that weren't there. Then I was eating my dinner and half of my tooth comes out. So on and so forth. I honestly just went to bed at one point because I felt so defeated.

"for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down,"

But can you guess the thing that struck me as most poignant of all? My attitude. I was defeated because, instead of surrendering to God and asking for His grace, I just continued to allow one thing after another to wail on me until I just felt beaten inside and out. As human beings we try to do it all on our own. I know yesterday while I kept saying God I give you it all, I really was saying God I got this. There was no heart behind my surrender. And I felt the defeat.
How often do we surrender with our mouth, but with our hearts we keep it on ourselves? When you really ask that question, it's easy why it seemed so unsuccessful. What have you NOT surrendered today? Are you willing to risk it?

"but the staying down." ~Mary Pickford