Monday, December 12, 2011

December, Oh Dear

"Let us not look back in anger,"
Reading: Haven't had a chance to search for a new read
Watching: I've been channel surfing things I don't normally watch
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.

These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized that I loved you in the fall.
"nor forward in fear,"
So in reality this song about a girl wishing she hadn't broken up with her boyfriend. But today, well everyday, in my world, this song is about all the December days that fell like a thud on my heart. The December I found out there was another brother I'd never known about. The December my friend gave me all these little things that represented me. The December I almost lost my best friend. The December the Christmas that was going to be a wasn't was. The December I watched a sixteen year old have brain surgery. The December I had my first kiss. The December day I broke up with my boyfriend in the snow. The December I had found so much favor with my bosses they bought me Christmas presents. The December my niece had a seizure in my house before I even saw her. The December I felt I had purpose again. The December I ran home, praying to God I didn't have to go back... only to go back and leave a week later.
December is this cacophony of love and laughter mixed with fear and failure. And so anytime something new presents itself in December... I must admit I'm fearful. More than fearful I am terrified. I sit here and I dwell on all these things. And wonder what the outcome might result in. Wonder if I am brave enough to put myself back out there. Because I still haven't recovered from last years December.
Oh December.
Oh God, thank you for keeping me in the uncertainty.
"but around in awareness." ~James Thurber

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