Decided Death

"My soul is full of whispered song;"

Currently:

Reading: Looking for my essay I wrote on how this day changed my life

Watching: The memories of this day going over and over again in my head

Listening: "Change" by Taylor Swift

 Raided and now cornered

It’s hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair

We’re getting stronger now

Find things they never found

They might be bigger

But we’re faster and never scared

You can walk away, say we don’t need this

But there’s something in your eyes

Says we can beat this

Because these things will change

Can you feel it now?

These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down

This revolution, the time will come

For us to finally win

And we’ll sing hallelujah, well sing hallelujah

Tonight we stand, get off our knees

Fight for what we’ve worked for all these years

And the battle was long, it’s the fight of our lives

But we’ll stand up champions tonight

"My blindness is my sight;"

Seven years ago today, my world totally changed. That day I knew my life would never be the same. And it wasn't. But it definitely wasn't what I expected.
When your fifteen, your world is high school, extracurriculars,  and friends. And I had two that I called the best then. I loved them dearly, I protected them fiercely. I just didn't know how.
 I remember this day like it was yesterday. I still see the images flash in my head at night. It was the week before Christmas, the week of finals. And I was lying in bed fighting off the flu. I remember my phone ringing. I remember telling the person on the phone I would call them tomorrow because I was sick. I remember the cry on the other end. I remember feeling like the floor had just fallen out beneath me. My best friend had committed suicide. That was all I heard. As the hours dragged on and my mom escorted me to the callers house we came to realize it was just an attempt. That someone had found her. That she was is the hospital. But we weren't sure she was okay. I remember being inconsolable. I remember my boyfriend trying to fix it all. I remember barely hanging up the phone before the mix of anxiety and a stomach bug couldn't hold on any longer. I remember walking like a zombie for weeks on end. I remember skipping my final because I just couldn't sing a note without her. Because the last thing we did was sing in a hairbrush. And even though I knew it wasn't true. I thought I lost her.

"The shadows that I feared so long;"

Back then I was worried we would never have another day, I was worried that her will to die was stronger than our fight for her to live. I was unfamiliar with this thing called cutting. It was a hush hush topic. No one talked about it. Now we know it is a leading problem in our youth. Now there are places like TWLOHA who tell people it's okay to talk about your pain, what your going through. They offer resources and help.
I guess this story is poignant for me this year because God intervened in the midst of our horrendous circumstances. The doctors found the medical cause behind her depression. And she lived to see a sixteenth birthday. And a eighteenth. And a twenty-first. Because the girl who never thought she would make it to her twenties lived. Beyond living she chose life. She chose to open up her heart. She chose to love. She is choosing to get married.
My life is not what I thought it would be seven years ago. It's not always been the best. But I am so thankful that this one was/is not. I am so thankful that in ten months I'll stand by her side, healthy and strong, and watch her , whole and complete, choose life once more.
And she'll look smokin' hot doing it. I love you my seven year survivor. I wouldn't trade a day.

"Are all alive with light." ~Alice Cary Dying Hymn

Added December 22nd, 2011
After I posted this blog, I saw this cute video done by some high schoolers called 100 Reasons to Live.  They do repeat some, but these are all from DIFFERENT teenagers, that's why they are there. And I thought I would share.

100 Reasons to Stay from Lauren Taylor on Vimeo.