Decided Death

"My soul is full of whispered song;"

Currently:

Reading: Looking for my essay I wrote on how this day changed my life

Watching: The memories of this day going over and over again in my head

Listening: "Change" by Taylor Swift

 Raided and now cornered

It’s hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair

We’re getting stronger now

Find things they never found

They might be bigger

But we’re faster and never scared

You can walk away, say we don’t need this

But there’s something in your eyes

Says we can beat this

Because these things will change

Can you feel it now?

These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down

This revolution, the time will come

For us to finally win

And we’ll sing hallelujah, well sing hallelujah

Tonight we stand, get off our knees

Fight for what we’ve worked for all these years

And the battle was long, it’s the fight of our lives

But we’ll stand up champions tonight

"My blindness is my sight;"

Seven years ago today, my world totally changed. That day I knew my life would never be the same. And it wasn't. But it definitely wasn't what I expected.
When your fifteen, your world is high school, extracurriculars,  and friends. And I had two that I called the best then. I loved them dearly, I protected them fiercely. I just didn't know how.
 I remember this day like it was yesterday. I still see the images flash in my head at night. It was the week before Christmas, the week of finals. And I was lying in bed fighting off the flu. I remember my phone ringing. I remember telling the person on the phone I would call them tomorrow because I was sick. I remember the cry on the other end. I remember feeling like the floor had just fallen out beneath me. My best friend had committed suicide. That was all I heard. As the hours dragged on and my mom escorted me to the callers house we came to realize it was just an attempt. That someone had found her. That she was is the hospital. But we weren't sure she was okay. I remember being inconsolable. I remember my boyfriend trying to fix it all. I remember barely hanging up the phone before the mix of anxiety and a stomach bug couldn't hold on any longer. I remember walking like a zombie for weeks on end. I remember skipping my final because I just couldn't sing a note without her. Because the last thing we did was sing in a hairbrush. And even though I knew it wasn't true. I thought I lost her.

"The shadows that I feared so long;"

Back then I was worried we would never have another day, I was worried that her will to die was stronger than our fight for her to live. I was unfamiliar with this thing called cutting. It was a hush hush topic. No one talked about it. Now we know it is a leading problem in our youth. Now there are places like TWLOHA who tell people it's okay to talk about your pain, what your going through. They offer resources and help.
I guess this story is poignant for me this year because God intervened in the midst of our horrendous circumstances. The doctors found the medical cause behind her depression. And she lived to see a sixteenth birthday. And a eighteenth. And a twenty-first. Because the girl who never thought she would make it to her twenties lived. Beyond living she chose life. She chose to open up her heart. She chose to love. She is choosing to get married.
My life is not what I thought it would be seven years ago. It's not always been the best. But I am so thankful that this one was/is not. I am so thankful that in ten months I'll stand by her side, healthy and strong, and watch her , whole and complete, choose life once more.
And she'll look smokin' hot doing it. I love you my seven year survivor. I wouldn't trade a day.

"Are all alive with light." ~Alice Cary Dying Hymn

Added December 22nd, 2011
After I posted this blog, I saw this cute video done by some high schoolers called 100 Reasons to Live.  They do repeat some, but these are all from DIFFERENT teenagers, that's why they are there. And I thought I would share.

100 Reasons to Stay from Lauren Taylor on Vimeo.

Drilling Discipline

"Movement is a medicine"

Currently:

Reading: Dictionary.com

Watching: A myriad of channels in the matter of a minute

Listening:"Go Hard" by Lecrae ft. Tedashii

Take me out the game coach
I don't wanna play no mo
If can't give it all I got and leave it out there on the court
Thank you for the Grace for the will and the desire
Got me
Living for your glory stead of living to retire
But I pray I'll never tire of Going hard for Messiah
I don't need no motivation You the reason I'm inspired.

Go Hard
Go Home, Go Hard
Go Home

"for creating change in a person's"

When I was a teenager and the world seemed wrong, my answer was not to eat. If I didn't eat, I could just slowly take myself out of the equation. It's so strange to see myself, all these years later, doing the very opposite. Because now when my world is wrong, I workout. I choose to make myself stronger, instead of trying to make myself disappear. The funniest part of it all is I am thinner and healthier than the girl who was starving herself. And I talk to that little girl I was, and I ask her what she was thinking. I ask her how she didn't know there was a love that would change her life. A love that would carry her through.
I have found a lot about myself through working out. I've found that working out calms me, even though I literally am getting myself pumped up. I feel closer to God when I work out, because I feel like I am cleaning out His temple. I have a love hate relationship with laughing after I work out because my abs are going crazy. Working out helps me focus. It helps me think. It creates discipline. And it's been proven that people who work out are happier. Plus you have more endurance throughout the day because you're building endurance as you continue to workout.
I've found there is no WRONG way to workout. There are unsafe ways, but not wrong. You do what works for you. I've found that while I feel like I should be the runner type... I'm not... unless it's on a treadmill. I like to go on fast paced walks. But I would rather be in my house with the music going to keep a beat/pace with, even if the song changes paces... I use the change as intervals. And it's really not safe to run with headphones by yourself. I like to focus on certain areas of my body on certain days of the week instead of doing them all at one time. It doesn't matter how long I work out as long as I do it.
So right now my fitness goal is to workout three times a week again. I am focusing on wedding abs, ten months to get my abs together and my love handles down for my bridesmaid's dress. I don't know why. I guess it's just an excuse to finally finish defining my ab pack. If you're curious how here's the video I'm using plus a little dancing it out to Lecrae and Paper Tongues.

"physical, emotional, and mental states." ~Carol Welch

Delicious

"Never work before breakfast;"

Currently:

Reading: Everyone's Christmas Facebook status'

Watching: Disney's Prep And Landing

Listening: "I've Got Plenty To Be Thankful For" by Irving Berlin, sung by Bing Crosby

I've got plenty to be thankful for
I haven't got
A great big yacht
To sail from shore to shore
Still I've got plenty to be thankful for

I've got plenty to be thankful for
No private car
No caviar
No carpet on my floor
Still I've got plenty to be thankful for

I've got eyes to see with
Ears to hear with
Arms to hug with
Lips to kiss with
Someone to adore

How could anybody ask for more?
My needs are small
I buy them all
At the five and ten cent store
Oh, I've got plenty to be thankful for

"if you have to work before breakfast,"

So when I started this blog I meant for it to be a equal amounts of everything... food, fitness, family, focus. I've talked a lot about my focus, a good deal about family, a bit about fitness here and there, and rarely food. So today I am sharing the new easy recipe I tried this morning.
When I first became a vegetarian, breakfast foods were the easiest for me to make because I had already cut out pork products about six months before I cut meat out completely. And since I am not a vegan... eggs are a great source of protein for me. So it's no surprise that I love cooking breakfast when I have the opportunity (which is a rarity as of late). I love getting inspired by what I see others making and either replicating or reinventing the same dish.
So when I got home last night and caught up on The Chew and saw an episode of Daphne Oz (former vegetarian) making Eggs Florentine with her dad, I knew I had to make it. And most of the ingredients were already in my house anyway.

There is plenty to feel good about in this recipe... and feel bad about. It's got pretty much all your basic food groups, dairy, grains, veggies, proteins, even some fruit juice. Plus it's got spinach... my favorite green and source of iron! However this thing has 10 TABLESPOONS of butter! I am a little bit afraid that my arteries are going to get clogged from this thing. It did taste pretty stinking amazing though.

The thing I have always loved about cooking and being "the chef" at times is I can just cook and not worry about anything. I put on my favorite playlist and dance around the kitchen while I cook. If I don't like the way something turns out, I pull a "gonnabe" moment and make it my own. For instance today I was NOT going to cookie cut bread so I went ahead and got some multi-grain english muffins. And I am not a fan of sauteed spinach so I just drizzled some olive oil in the pan with some salt and pepper and cooked it for just a few seconds to get a little of the bite out. I did what felt and tasted right to me, while still making healthy decisions.

At the end of the day I just love being in the kitchen... because I can be me with everything I do in there. I can go ahead and dance cause no one is watching me. I can bounce around while I cook. I can say oops and move on. I have the freedom. And I take it. I take control of what I'm putting in, and what I'm giving to others.

"eat your breakfast first." ~Josh Billings

December, Oh Dear

"Let us not look back in anger,"

Currently:

Reading: Haven't had a chance to search for a new read

Watching: I've been channel surfing things I don't normally watch

Listening: "Back to December" by Taylor Swift

 

I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.

These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized that I loved you in the fall.

"nor forward in fear,"

So in reality this song about a girl wishing she hadn't broken up with her boyfriend. But today, well everyday, in my world, this song is about all the December days that fell like a thud on my heart. The December I found out there was another brother I'd never known about. The December my friend gave me all these little things that represented me. The December I almost lost my best friend. The December the Christmas that was going to be a wasn't was. The December I watched a sixteen year old have brain surgery. The December I had my first kiss. The December day I broke up with my boyfriend in the snow. The December I had found so much favor with my bosses they bought me Christmas presents. The December my niece had a seizure in my house before I even saw her. The December I felt I had purpose again. The December I ran home, praying to God I didn't have to go back... only to go back and leave a week later.
December is this cacophony of love and laughter mixed with fear and failure. And so anytime something new presents itself in December... I must admit I'm fearful. More than fearful I am terrified. I sit here and I dwell on all these things. And wonder what the outcome might result in. Wonder if I am brave enough to put myself back out there. Because I still haven't recovered from last years December.
Oh December.
Oh God, thank you for keeping me in the uncertainty.

"but around in awareness." ~James Thurber

Detect

"It is only possible,"

Currently:

Reading: Haven't had a chance to search for a new read

Watching: "The Best Thing I Ever Ate"

Listening: "Be Still" by Kari Jobe

When the waves rise against me and the wind tries to draw me away
I will stand on the mountain, safe in Your arms I will sing I will sing

Be still my soul, be still
Be still my soul, be still
Wait patiently upon the Lord
Be still my soul, be still

Be still I know He is God
He is here, He is here
Be still I know He is God
He is here, He is here

"to live happily-ever-after,"

It's funny how different things can seem in the course of a week. The things that had me so wound up last week are the things that I am, sitting here now, feeling warm and tender about. My dear friend is caring a miracle within her right now. It's this amazing thing that out of seemingly nothing this life is being formed; she's breathing, she's got fingers and toes, and she'll be here in just three and a half months. And my best friend, that darling who I wasn't sure back then would make it to our twenties... she's here, alive and well. She's not just living day to day. She's planning a future. She's letting people love her and she is in love. And God is opening new doors for me everyday. I love the semi-healthful girl I've become. I love the way I've learned to know my body, know when it's functioning at it's best. I love the sensitivity in my spirit. I just love God.
Continue to change my outlook. Continue to change my heart Oh God. Continue to make me open to change. Continue to open doors. Continue to hold me as I step through.

"on a day-to-day basis." ~Margaret Bonnano

Document

"Real birthdays are not annual affairs."

Currently:

Reading: Finished "Longing", now I need a new one!

Watching:Nothing particularly fascinating, just the lights from different directions

Listening: "Get Higher" by Paper Tongues

Get higher, and higher, and higher
When my back's against the wall, you're the hand that breaks my fall
Climb higher, and higher, and higher
When my back's against the wall, you're the hand that breaks my fall

Take me to a place for romance
You can choose the space and for this
I can hardly breathe, it's so deep
My hands begin to shake with frailty

You will not escape my embrace
'Cause I'll be holding on with violence
Everything I have is yours now

So the time is now, just don't let me down
Oh the time is now, please don't let me down

"Real birthdays are the days..."

Six months ago today...

I turned twenty-two.

Six months from now...

well, obviously, I'll be twenty-three. 

But six months ago

I also started this thing called "Show Me Again...". 

I'm so thankful that God put it on my heart to publicly share what I was learning in a time when I was really struggling with the idea of learning at all. The journey I took through my twenty-first year was the most difficult journey I had taken in awhile. But it brought me here, to a place where I've learned to love God passionately outside the four-walled confines of a church. Because this was the only place I could find Him. In the silence. Alone. No one telling me that I had to do it, just getting to a place where I couldn't do it without Him. I had to CHOOSE Him. 

Don't get me wrong, I am anxious to have the means to get to a church again, to be part of a community again; but this season without one has grown me just as much. This season of openly pouring my heart out to the God who already knows... it's not always been easy, but it has been so rich. 

One thing I learned in Master's is that a lesson learned is never best kept to yourself. It's meant to be shared, so as we grow in Christ, we can help grow each other. So I hope you've enjoyed learning with me over the past six months. I hope it's been as painful and as difficult as it was for me. And I also hope it's been as rewarding. 

This was started to document my twenty-second year... six more months left to go.

"when we have a new birth." ~Ralph Parlette

Developing Days

"To grow old is the masterwork of wisdom,"

Currently:

Reading: Finally reading "Longing" by Karen Kingsbury 

Watching: Mitch Albom's "Have A Little Faith"

Listening: "Constant" by Francesca Battistelli

Okay I really don’t like change but I can’t stop it
I’m moving forward anyway with the promise
You are the anchor for my soul
That’s all I need to know
That’s all I need to know

You’re my constant in every moment
Constant
You’ve never failed me
All my life
You have never left my side
You are my constant

Before I was a thought on earth
You knew me then and You gave me worth
When all of this is said and done
You will be the One I’m standing on

The past few days have felt like I'm at the amusement park and getting sick but they won't let me off the ride. I realize day by day that I will never live the life I planned on. And the life I live is always full of surprises. And some days, even though they may be good, it feels like I've been knocked out with a feather.

My dear friend is having a baby girl.

Thump,

I've had a headache for 4 days.

Thump,

My best friend is engaged.

Thump,

My hours are getting cut at work.

Thump,

My friend is sailing on a boat with his girlfriend.

Thump,

I still don't have my degree.

Thump, Thump. Thump!

 There is no question that I love my friends fiercely. There is no question that I am thrilled for their triumphs lately. I am thankful for the blessings God has given me. And oh so grateful that God is teaching me everyday. But there's still this part of me that sees through the glasses of yester-year and feels how terribly off this all seems. Growing up is only getting harder. I'm so overwhelmed. Can we just stop here? Sometimes when the light disappears an afterimage remains - just for a second. I'm  hanging there.

Thank you God that you are my constant in the midst of everything that keeps changing around me. Even if I don't know how to be happy with it in this moment.

"and one of the most difficult chapters in the great art of living." ~Henri Amiel