Jumble

"Time is what keeps"

Currently:
Reading: "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne

Watching: Rizzoli & Isles



Listening: "Walk on the Water" by Britt Nicole

So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you

You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes in you
You can walk on the water too

"things from happening"

It has literally taken me days to write this post. I had one day off this week and I spent a majority of the day babysitting. So between covering shifts at work and my moms birthday, I have been tapped out and not much time to sit down and write. So forgive me if this seems a bit scattered. I'm trying my best here.

I had my wisdom teeth taken out a couple months ago and had to be on pain killers. Then my doctor put me on some medication that I had to take for several weeks. The symptoms were so awful I just wanted to curl up in a ball. I actually had to ask him to take me off of it because I was having such miserable side effects. Then immediately after I got off the medicine and got it out of my system I hit the road for Atlanta.
I know this may all seem random, but they really do connect. You see when I was on my medication I had to stop working out. I didn't feel safe going to the gym by myself when the treadmill was in front of a brick wall. And home workouts were out of the question due to my lack of energy.

Unfortunately, it has become a lot harder to get back into my precious workouts then it was to stop. I miss that time where I knew that my body was working and how to listen to it. I spent a lot of that time clearing my head and talking to God. My first few workouts since have been hard. I have had to cut them shorter than normal and my body is not responding in the way it normally would. I miss it all.
I am working hard to get back into shape. Into training my body to respond in the way it used to when the rubber met the road weekly. I want to be healthy again. I want to be fit. I want to get back into my habit of healthy living. I want discipline!
July is going to be a crazy month here on the blog as I try a few new challenges. I am looking to start the Whole30 program. In addition I am going to start the Couch to 5k program and a 30 Day Ab Challenge. And I want to do some sort of photo challenge as well. Wow totally just got side tracked by challenges I found on Google. There might be more to this list my the time I am done... Needless to say July is being labeled CHALLENGE MONTH!
Do you know that it takes twenty-one to twenty-eight days to form a habit. That is three weeks to a month to form a simple habit. However if you miss one day in that time frame you have to start all over...

habit |ˈhabit|
noun
1 a settled or regular tendency or practice, esp. one that is hard to give up : this can develop into a bad habit | we stayed together out of habit.
• informal an addictive practice, esp. one of taking drugs : a cocaine habit.

"all at once." ~Graffiti

Jolie

"Today is the"

Currently
Reading: "The Westing Game" by Ellen Raskin
This was a book I read as a child that I am now re-reading as an adult. I linked these back to Scholastic Books because they were the a main resource for my love of books as a child.

 

 Watching: Graceland

This is the brand new pilot introduced by USA on my birthday! I love it already.

Listening: "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri
I am not a twi-hard. I just love the words to this song. Just close your eyes and listen.

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

"tomorrow we worried"

Twenty-four is here. It's now. Eleven months ago my world unraveled. Nine and a half months ago I wasn't sure if I would ever wake up again. The minutes have become hours, the hours into days. And the days into weeks, and months, and now almost a year.
I have peace. I have hope. I have dreams. Things most people thought would shatter in the wake of all I've fought through. I have allowed myself to want again.  I don't know what that means. I don't know where it all will take me. But I want...
I want to be brave.
I want to feel strong.
I want to be healthy. (It's the new thin! In case you haven't heard before)
I want to be fashionable.
I want to be financially responsible.
I want to be generous.
I want to be pretty. I want to be jolie.
I want it to radiate from me, in a way that beauty can only come from the heart. I want to be a gentle missionary of grace. The proverbs thirty-one woman, not having to be the thirty-one wife.

I asked my mom about our twenty-four years together. I asked her about our highs and lows. At first she spouted off silly things. Things about a certain boy I shouldn't have dated. But then she realized that was not what I was searching for. She then began to tell me how much it hurt that I lied about not eating. Or that I really did lie about dating that boy. She told me how she loved my servants heart. That she loved how I was always willing to fight for the underdog. Loved that I was generous. I will hold those words in my heart until the day I die. I want to be the person my mom sees me as. Because she see's the best of who I am even in my worst moments.

At twenty-three i thought it was the end.  I laugh as I realize, it was only a new beginning.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

"Twenty-Four" by Switchfoot

Twenty four oceans

Twenty four skies

Twenty four failures

Twenty four tries

Twenty four finds me

In twenty-fourth place

Twenty four drop outs

At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was

Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong

With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out

When You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man

Oh, oh I am the second man now

Oh, oh I am the second man now

My ever so wonderful birthday "cake"

"about yesterday." ~Anonymous

Prologue

"She gets goosebumps from tiny, perfect things. Seeing the stars. Fruit trees in bloom."

Currently
Reading: "Canary Island Song" by Robin Jones Gunn

Watching: How I Met Your Mother


Listening: "Fix You" by Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

"The scent of dinner from a neighbor's house, a phone call at the right time, a bar of exotic choicolate."

"She keeps a list in her wallet of the gorgeous parts of everyday: maple leaves, new perfume, slow-cooked tomato sauce."

Today closes out my twenty-third year. Life is still not what I thought it was going to be when I started this blog two years ago. This YEAR has not been what I thought it was going to be. But I have survived. I have fought. I am here. NO ONE can take that away from me. My scars are proof. They will never leave. I can still feel them as if they are brand new some days and others I have to search them out.

I have gained twenty pounds since my surgery. I still haven't gotten back in to my full work out routine. I miss my photography. My diet has been less than stellar. My hair is a mess. And I'm STILL not in school. That's my summary of what I haven't/am not.
What I am is alive. I am tumor free. I am a fighter. I am learning. I am stronger. I am more confident. I am at peace, or at least as close to peace as I've been in a while.

I am a traveler, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend. A dispatcher, counselor, teacher, helper, encourager. I love to cook and organize and take pictures. 

 

I was, am, and will be.

Good bye twenty-three... Tomorrow is a new day, a new design, a new plan.

"She adds to it all the time. She is rich with wonder."

 I am her

Maybe Marriage

"She lies awake and listens to what her heart has to say,"

Currently
Reading: "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis

Watching: Ready For Love 

Listening: "When I Was Your Man" by Bruno Mars

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

"hears it declare that this is the beginning of her own new year,"

I hear it a lot. "You are going to make a great mom someday". "You are such an encourager". "You have that nurturing instinct".  Never have I heard, "You are going to be such a good wife", "You are such a Proverbs Thirty-One woman", or "You are going to make a great partner for someone".

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past week or two. Future thinking. Going crazy, have to turn off all the lights and sit in a dark room, with just some music, and my thoughts thinking. I cried. I prayed. I listened and conversed with God. I drove myself crazy until I fell asleep.

Why is it that people tell me I would make a great mother, but not a great wife? I struggle with this. I struggle knowing what is next. I keep trying to shape myself. I find myself making goals, attempting to become this modern day Proverbial woman. A Mary and Martha combined in to one person. But at the same time, I don't pretend to have any prospects. I don't begin to fathom my life radically changing in the near future. I struggle with the idea of someone possibly wanting me.

And then I laugh at myself... I am terrified of finding someone. Because then I would have to bare my everything to them. My entire world would change. They would have to know my deepest, darkest parts. They would be introduced to the crazy, irrational, psychopathic mess that is my family. That opens up a whole other can of worms.

I don't know where I am going. I am lost with no direction. And I find God subtly reminding me of the words He spoke over me three years ago. I try to remember that I don't need to be hunting, I don't need to be planning, I just need to rely on His truth. His plans are so much better than mine.

I will wait, I will wait for you.

"and in this year she will, she won't, and she'll start..."

Mannerisms

 "A phone call from an old friend, just when you needed it. The sound after a snowfall. A perfect peach."

Currently
Reading: Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
Watching: Remember Sunday

Listening: "Firefly" by Jimmy Needham

It's tulips and it's daisies
Your favorite flowers lately
You think that I ain't listening, but you know I do
With your two lips on me baby
My head starts getting dazey
Don't give me a flower
What I want is you 

"A moment of sheer confidence. Finding the right words. Feeling strong. Knowing the answer. Green lights."

It's funny how you blindly pick up habits of the people around you. They sneak their way into your system unknowingly. And then one day they catch you off guard.

Over the past few days I have found myself automatically making gestures and comments that almost feel wired into my DNA. Nothing major or life altering. Mostly simple things I almost don't notice and that at the very last second... I do. Things like bouncing my shoulders when I get excited. Or shouting Auy Guay! Or pull my hair half back loosely in a clip. Simple things that make no difference in the grand scheme of it all, but make a marked difference in the day to day.

It is in those miments that I feel them with me. I feel their love for me and I love them so dearly. I lived life with them everyday for long periods of time. They bring joy to my life. They put smiles on my face. I carry them with me. They are a part of me.

"New growth. A compliment. Quiet time. Sudden laughter."

ALL American

"And if we go down,"

Currently
Reading: "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" by Joanna Weaver
I got a non fiction book in this month! YES!!! I am on track to finish by the thirtieth! And have May's books picked out!
Watching: "Hitch"
I am laughing that half of this trailer didn't even make it into the movie! It's entertaining me through me pain.

Listening: "Star Spangled Banner" by Frances Scott Key

And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

 "we go down"

Last week was one for the history books. Two Russian men set up bombs at the Boston Marathon. They killed three people that day, one of whom was an eight year old little boy named Martin. They also injured countless others, as well as an MIT officer a few days later. And for days it ruled the airways. In fact new information is hitting the air every morning. It all came to a conclusion that Friday, after a day long quarrantine, when seemingly every law enforcement officer in the state descended on little Watertown, Massechusetts. It was bone chilling...

If you've ever lived near an iconic city such as Boston, New York, Chicago, or LA, you know what it means to eat, breath, and bleed the city. If you go out of town, you are proud to tell 'em where you are from. Your city has THE BEST food. You are a die-hard fan of every team in the city... even if they suck. You take pride in any major event that takes place there. And when the country looks upon your city you beam. You are you city and your city lives in you. Your strength, pride and joy are symbiotic to its'. There is nothing better than living in a major hub that is an iconic city.

 

Photo Credit: Chicago Tribune

Even more chilling was the people running into the pack TOWARDS the bombs. Or the Chicago Tribune Sports Page posting all the Boston teams "We Are Chicago". Or the Bruins game in which the honor guard came out to stand for all the law enforcement fighting the terrorism. Or the man who was brave enough to speak up when he noticed something off near his boat. Or the fact that his boat got destroyed and he denied the offerings of money for a new boat and asked that the money go to the fund for those injured. Or when the people were finally able to leave their homes. Or the cheers that erupted when the police finally left the scene with their man. Or as you heard a chorus of voices building as they sang "The Star Spangled Banner". Our Anthem. The All-American Anthem. #BostonSTRONG

"Fighting." ~Brad Marchand, Boston Bruin

Articulate

"Your playing small does not serve the world."

Currently
Reading: "Sisterhood Everlasting" by Ann Brashares

Watching: "Numb3rs" 
Listening: "High School" by Superchick

High school is like the state of the nation
Some people never change after graduation,
Believing any light you shine makes theirs lesser,
They have to prove to everyone that theirs is better
These are the rules, the ways of high school
If someone puts you down, that's so high school,
Believing they're too cool for you, that's so high school
If you believe it too, that's also high school,
I know I'll be graduating early

"There is nothing enlightened about shrinking," 

I am an encourager. I love words of affirmation. I marvel at how eloquently words can be spoken. How they can be made into beautiful art and yet be used to shred people apart.
Over the past few days, I have been blown away by the power of words. I have been complimented, encouraged, cut down, and diminished. And it is amazing how those simple things effected my day.

com·pli·ment

[n. kom-pluh-muhnt; v. kom-pluh-ment] Show IPA

noun

1.an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration: A sincere compliment boosts one's morale.

2.a formal act or expression of civility, respect, or regard: The mayor paid him the compliment of escorting him.

3.compliments, a courteous greeting; good wishes; regards: He sends you his compliments.

4.Archaic. a gift; present.

verb (used with object)

5.to pay a compliment to: She complimented the child on his good behavior.

6.to show kindness or regard for by a gift or other favor: He complimented us by giving a party in our honor.

7.to congratulate; felicitate: to compliment a prince on the birth of a son.

A man complimented me. It was astonishing. It caught me off guard. It made me smile. It was an off the cuff comment that probably meant nothing to him. Do I think he was trying to hit on me or take advantage of the opportunity? No. But it was nice. It was kind. It was genuine. And I chose to receive instead of fight it like I normally would.

en·cour·age

[en-kur-ij, -kuhr-] Show IPA

verb (used with object), en·cour·aged, en·cour·ag·ing.

1. to inspire with courage, spirit, or confidence: His coach encouraged him throughout the marathon race to keep on running.

2. to stimulate by assistance, approval, etc.: One of the chief duties of a teacher is to encourage students.

3. to promote, advance, or foster: Poverty often encourages crime.

Encouragement is like a hug from a friend. It comforts you and pushes you forward. My dear friend pushed me forward yesterday. She made me face what I wanted to run from. She told me stories that lightened the way. And virtually held my hand.

"so that other people won't feel insecure around you."

I was cut down and diminished by an old coworker. She was rude and condescending. But she was that way when I worked there.  She was one of those people that believe any one else shining takes away from them. I didn't let her get me in that moment. However, it definitely carried into my day.

I have been thinking a lot about my mouth since my surgery. How often do I say things that cut others down? How often do I speak when it's unnecessary? Or have to have the last word?
When was the last time I genuinely complimented someone? When was the last time I held someones hand with my words? What about you?

"We are are all meant to shine, as children do." ~Marianne Willamson