Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Sustenance

"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body..."

Reading: "Brave Girl Eating: A Family's Struggle With Anorexia" by Harriet Brown
(By the way I've actually made some REAL progress with "Crazy Love"... and am falling more in love!)
Watching: The Picker Sisters (they make the ugly beautiful again)
Listening:"Courage" by Superchick 
I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I had never heard of "Brave Girl Eating" until today. But I am only a tiny portion in and am already thankful I did.
I am thankful for a brave mom's words. I am thankful for my body. I am thankful for my health. I am thankful that I have experienced grace far beyond my deserving. And I am thankful that that grace kept me from ever going that far.
I am thankful that for the first time in my entire life I think I can say now that I have a healthy relationship with the things that were meant to sustain me.

This month I celebrate eight years of recovery from anorexia. And two full years being completely free from what I consider any sort of "eating disorder/addiction".
Let me explain. Recovery was a hard process, and in case you can't subtract a long one for me. As someone who was always known for being so in control, I realized the one thing I thought was putting me in control (an eating disorder) had actually brought me the farthest from it. Because as an addiction, I felt like I needed this eating disorder to maintain. So when I tried to get to a healthy lifestyle, I feared losing control again. So I overcompensated my eating. So much so that I had taken to a whole other disorder of consistent OVER eating. And it wasn't until God began healing the rest of me that I realized the outside didn't match.

I don't know how people think they can be restored without Him.

So here I am, so far away from my teenage self, looking at an image I always thought was broken, feeling radiantly beautiful in Him. And loving what He gave me to nourish myself with. 
I am not afraid of food. I am not afraid of going back. I'm not afraid to try new things. And I am not afraid to get creative with my food... and my adventure in life. Because it's so worth living!
Spaghetti Squash

Asparagus

Fruit Salad (Raspberries, Bananas, and Lemon)

Nutella and strawberries on French bread

Blue cheese Bruschetta

Black bean, Corn, and Spinach Quesadilla

Veggie burgers, Jello salad, Potato salad, and Corn on the cob

Cinnabon

Enough said

Ice Cream for two!
So with fall coming in, I'm celebrating the fact that I am no longer covered in the deadness of my old self but being made pure as snow. I'm looking forward to getting some boots on soon, stomping on some leaves, rocking the warm rich colors and soft feel of sweaters, sipping on some apple cider, and cooking with some yummy fall veggies. God paint the mountains as you do every season, and repaint me with them.

"...is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind."  ~G.K. Chesterton

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