Confessing Confusion

"Confusion is a word we have invented,"

Currently:

Reading: Learning by Karen Kingsbury (Technically I had just started this last week, and finished "Departures" by Robin Jones Gunn

Watching: A Hallmark Movie called "The Wedding Dress"(not my favorite thing I've watched this week)
Listening: "Everything You Do" Cory Asbury

Everything You do just screams “I love you”
Everything You are says, “I care"

Can you hear the silent screams? Not screams of angst or anger, but of confusion and questioning. The screams of wonder. The screams that prove there is still fight in this girl. The screams that prove that I am alive and well...

This week the Lord has restored my joy. Not happiness, but true unaltered joy. Because the difference between happiness and joy is that happiness fades with the coming of other emotions, while joy is able to withstand while other emotions flood in. And trust me, other emotions have flooded in. Anger at people accusing me of depression when I haven't been happier in years. Frustration with my constantly changing job, and people's inconsideration in doing so. Excitement in the preparation. Nervousness for uncharted territory. The floodgates of emotion rumbling in.

But here I stand, arms thrown open in faith. I have no idea in this moment what is going on in my heart. I've had this feeling of being out of body for several days. However I stand here in pure faith and joy in the knowing that my life is in His hands. No matter how small I feel in this moment, I choose to pursue Him and His joy; this peace that has washed over me. In the midst of my confusion I trust in you God.

My heart is crying out on every level, for everything you are. Because your love screams to me. I don't mind that I feel small in your arms.

 

Cause everything I am just screams I love you, 

and everything I am says you care...

"...for an order which is not understood." - Henry Miller