Optical Illusion

"Live"

Currently
Reading: The Root of Rejection by Joyce Meyer
Watching: Giuliana & Bill
Listening: "I Have Found"  by Kim Walker

I have found a peace that plows on through the storm.
I have found a joy that jumps over sadness.
I have found a love that lights up every room.
I have found, I've found You!

Hmmmmm, I am still in awe of the fact that I had brain surgery a month and a half ago. It blows my mind. In some ways I am simply amazed at the fact at how little it affected me; a month and a half post op and I've been back to working full time for three weeks. At other times I am blown away by how its affected the little things in my life; I worked out for the first time Thursday evening and spent a majority of Friday in bed because I was having extreme dizziness. I do, however, find that my perspective on life has changed.

per·spec·tive

   [per-spek-tiv] 

noun

1. a technique of depicting volumes and spatial relationships on a flat surface. Compare aerial perspective, linear perspective.

2. a picture employing this technique, especially one in which it is prominent: an architect's perspective of a house.

3. a visible scene, especially one extending to a distance; vista: a perspective on the main axis of an estate.

4. the state of existing in space before the eye: The elevations look all right, but the building's composition is a failure in perspective.

5. the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship: You have to live here a few years to see local conditions in perspective.

I would have to say that over the past few months, I have gained a different perspective on myself. I definitely believe its from the Lord. It's challenged me to look at my life in a new way. I can honestly say that I have never been so thankful to be alive, but at the same time so sad not to be with Jesus. Not that I wanted to die, but when you spend so much time thinking over all the possibilities, I mean I would have been in heaven. My thoughts were directed toward heaven through the whole situation. I had such incredible peace. But it also reminds me I am here for a reason. It also got me thinking about what I was doing on earth. 

There is a saying that says something like "We all have to face God alone". Lately, I've been thinking though, have I done anything to bring anyone with me. I know I will face God alone, but what have I done to further His kingdom. I have been so heaven minded, but have I been present enough to help man be... Have I lived my life in a way that others desire Christ the way I do?

I've also found some unattractive qualities in myself. I am NEEDY. I know I like to take care of people, but I have found that in this time I want people to take care of me; by just being there, being a presence in my life. I also attach really easily. Which is odd for a person who struggles with feelings of abandonment. You would think that it would be hard for me, but the truth is sometimes people react the opposite way.

Truthfully, my mind has been jumping ahead twenty spaces. I guess realizing that I could have died at twenty-three years old has made me realize the gravity of life. I am not guaranteed tomorrow. I want to make the most of the time I have. But at the same time jumping ahead of myself isn't going to help anything or anyone.
Like always I am living in extremes, and I need to find that middle ground. Right now it's the middle ground of being present, but also heaven minded. I want to LIVE and live right.

"big."

Slaying Self

"Knowing what you want"

Currently
Reading: The Root of Rejection by Joyce Meyer
Watching: Cupcake Wars
Listening: "Hurt" covered by Johnny Cash

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

"is the first step"

Ever have something so simple become something so profound?
I was at Wendy's the other day. I had finished eating and I was waiting for my mom to return to the table. There in front of me sat a man with his three children; two girls and a boy. The father had gone to get the kids frosties and had asked each child what flavor they would like. The boy was the only one who asked for chocolate. But when the Father returned the son was distraught. His was different from his sisters. The father tried to explain to his son, that he had only gotten him what he asked for... but it wasn't enough for the saddened boy. And then I saw something so sweet happen...

How often do we ask for something and then when we get it we want what someone else has? We cry and cry asking for what someone else has when we have such a good gift. I find myself looking back on moments I've had like that before my surgery. I always wanted something more than what I had. But when I was faced with the possibility of death, I realized how grateful I was for all that I had. It's unfortunate that we have to come close to loss in order to be grateful.

So back to my story. I continued to watch it all play out.  No matter how hard the father tried to explain to him, the child was persistent. And so, what appeared to be the eldest child, leaned over to her brother. She said, "Do you want mine? You can have it. We'll trade." And with that the brother dug into her vanilla frosty and instantly stopped crying. I was wowed at the graciousness of this sister. The father didn't really say much to her, but I wanted her to know that someone saw. That someone recognized her generosity, her kindness, her willingness to put her brother before herself. So I dug in my wallet and found something that would be precious to this little girl. And so I gave her fifty cents. It wasn't much but I knew it would be like treasure to this small child. So I walked up to her and placed the change in front of her and said "That was a very nice thing you did. You are a good sister".  The father kept telling me it wasn't necessary. I told him I saw what happened and thought it deserved some positive reinforcement.

It was something so simple as trading what she wanted to make someone else happy. But yet as adults with struggle with this concept. Faith like a child...

"toward getting it." ~Mae West

Sleep

Currently
Reading: Honestly... nothing. Just the blogs I follow!
Watching: Stand Up To Cancer
Listening: "Ronan" by Taylor Swift

I know I was supposed to be back to a regular schedule... but I was exhausted yesterday! For that matter I didn't really have anything to talk about. And I still really don't.

This week has been full of friends. I video chatted with my dear friend and her daughter Sweet P. I also spoke with my other friend and her sister on Skype. I've chatted with some old friends from my prior job. Loving the people who are keeping me company and chatting with me through my recovery. I go back to work a week from tomorrow! Which is kind of exciting because there is only so much internet and television a person can take. Boredom has set in. But at the same time it's... WORK.

I don't know what my deal is the past two days. I feel like I am regressing. I am exhausted. And I have done less then I was doing a few weeks ago.

Slow Down

"Tell me, what is it"

Currently
Reading: "Love Finds You at Sunset Beach" by Robin Jones Gunn
Watching: Julie & Julia
Listening: "Steady My Heart" by Kari Jobe

But You're here

You're real

I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts

Even when it's hard

Even when it all just falls apart

I will run to You

Cause I know that You are

Lover of my soul

Healer of my scars

You steady my heart [x2]

 "you plan to do with your one"

I'm back! I eluded to the fact in my last post that I was having surgery. Well here I am two and a half weeks post surgery. Alive and well. Recovering. Tired all the time. But the key is ALIVE. It's insane to me that it's been almost two months since I have truly written a post on this, my friend, my blog.

For those of you that don't know,  when I mentioned in this post that I had been to the Emergency Room, I was having stroke like symptoms. At twenty three. I was terrified. And the news didn't get any better. I found out that day that I had a rare cyst on my brain. With in a few weeks of that I found out that I was going to have to have brain surgery. Not something I had planned on in the midst of me trying to go back to school and working full time.

I went in for surgery on a Thursday and was on my way home by Saturday afternoon. For the most part I've been doing well. However, I did past out about a week ago getting the mail and hit my head on the sidewalk. My staples came out on Thursday. My hair is working its way back. I'm getting out a little more. I will be okay.

I thank God for what happened though, because my doctor told me most people don't even know that they have this. They just die. And that blows my mind. I had such incredible peace through out the whole process. And I thank all the awesome people who kept praying peace over me. I felt it. I was ready no matter what the outcome was. The Lord delights in me! The song I posted was the last thing I remember before they put me under. I was singing it in my head, thanking God that He had me in the palm of his hand, and that He would steady my heart even though everything was falling apart... including me. If you haven't personally experienced this yet- Search for it. Because I was blown away. I was ready to live, I was ready to die; I knew where God was taking me.

"wild and precious life?" ~ Mary Oliver

I've been missing in action for almost three weeks now. And I am here to inform you that the hiatus will most likely be continuing until after surgery. Because I am spending all my time preparing, praying, and pondering. I don't know how quickly I will return. It will depend on my recovery. Until then.

Just A Minute

Currently
Reading: "The Root of Rejection" by Joyce Meyer
Watching: One Tree Hill  The last episode ever...
Listening: "Blue Sky" by Patty Griffin

The farther I come the farther I fall
Whatever I knew it was nothing at all
Nothing at all, just making me small
Smaller and smaller
I fall back

Sooner or later with a view from the ground
Chasing the race and the races run you down
Sooner or later with a view from the ground
And a tear in your eye
You say baby why can't we fly
Into the blue sky
High
Into the blue sky

                   "It's Been A Long Day" by Rosi Golan

Its been a long day and all I’ve got to say is make it strong
Its been a long a day and all I’ve got to say is I’ve been wrong
So take a leave of absence, tell me you’ll be gone, I don’t want to see your face.
Its been a long day and I just wanna hide away

Its been a long week and all the lines come down heavy on me
Its been a long week I’m finally feeling like its ok to break
Into a thousand pieces, no one can replace, only I can find my way.
It’s been a long day and I just wanna hide away

It’s been a long year and everyone around me disappeared
It’s been a long year and all this mess around me is finally clear
So can I have a moment? Just to say hello. Can you let your anger go?
It’s been a long year and I’m finally ready to be here.

This week has been extremely wearing. I don't even have words that begin to describe it. There were scary words tossed around. My laptop battery refuses to stay in. We had a freak storm here. Cable, Internet, ... Power lines out. Therefore busy work week. And I ended up in the Emergency Room on Friday.  I'm exhausted and haven't been able to get back to myself. It's eighteen hundred hours and I am still in my pajamas. It's not looking promising. And I've spent half the day trying to think of something clever to write. But I've got nothing. So maybe later this week, you'll see a follow up post. But for now...

Jail

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience,"

Currently:
Reading: "Coming Home" by Karen Kingsbury (Well I actually finished in a day)
Watching: NCIS
Listening: "Safe" by Natalie Grant

I'm not gonna hide
I'm not gonna run away
I'll uncover the scars
And show you every mistake
Your love is mending my blisters
And the bruising shame
Here with you
I am safe

Drowning the tears
Won't make it go away
It's robbing my soul
I'm taking this mask off my face
To discover love
And uncover all
It means to live and breathe

When you uncovered, I discovered
I am not afraid
But when we're hiding
We end up fighting
To be safe

"in which you really stop to look fear in the face..."

Security equals Jail.
Yep, that's what I said. You're not making the connection, are you? Well, it's taken me about a week to make the connection... so just sit back and listen to the story, while you give it a minute to sink in.
When I was a little kid, I used to stay home by myself after school. And if I walked up to my apartment building and saw someone at my door; I turned into instant spy. I would sneak through the pines that stood between the apartments and the house next door (don't worry I knew the kid that lived there, and so the parents weren't concerned) and made my way to the front of he building, where two giant willows stood. And there, under those long limbs, I would stay until the coast was clear. Seemingly invisible. I perfectly safe... and unable to move. In my own little jail...

This week, the idea was brought up that maybe the reason I struggle with peace is because I've never had security. I could think of a thousand reasons why that would be true.  Because the closest thing I've found to security in my life was to disappear into a tree or hide in a windowless room. Waiting for my gut to fall out or the other shoe to drop.
And thus security is a jail. Because you can't budge. You're held up in a tiny space, unable to move for fear of losing that one brief moment when you could breath. False security.
I recently heard someone say, "I don't allow others to rent space in my brain". Because when you allow others to rent space, they sit on your peace.
With the realization that I have spent my entire life searching out security, it saddens me to realize that I've boasted on knowing Christ; but have never trusted His depth enough to remain in his peace. Because I am safe in His arms. But I have to be willing to lay back in them, not waiting for the coast to clear so I can pop out.
So with all my might I am serving eviction notices. And I am settling in on the couch of peace God has given me. Because true security isn't a jail it's the get out of jail free card, but you have to be willing to use it.

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Eleanor Roosevelt