Onze

Okay so truth is... I am a slacker!!!! I am several days behind on my posts here. And I thought I would spend today playing catch up for the past few days. But that is too much stress on my already fragile brain!
I really haven't been driven to do the challenges right now except for the Whole30, the thirty day ab challenge, and C25k.
I have really hit my stride (no pun intended) with these three. In the past few days I have created some really healthy, filling, and delicious tasting food. I've really tried to make my meals according to the guide provided on the whole website. Palm size of protein, rest of the plate veggies, one to two thumb size of oils, closed hand-full of nuts, closed fist of fruit. For a more thorough explanation check out the Whole30 Meal Planning Template.
I was apprehensive about the running program. I have tried running before, and wasn't able to make it through because I had couldn't figure out how to match my breathing and my pace. The program allows you to do intervals and find your stride. I realized that my problem in the past has been that I pushed so hard right out of the gate and quickly found myself worn out. But I have done a ton of reading on running lately and have really learned a lot! If only I could get rid of these darn shin splints!
The ab challenge just got REALLY hard yesterday. But the fact is I am seeing results and that's what is important to me. In the past ten days I have lost approximately nine pounds! Almost halfway to my first goal!!! I really am excited to get to my healthy weight again.
Doing so well physically has definitely exposed more of my weaknesses in other areas, but it's made me come clean to myself. And that's what this month was really about. Being healthy and happy again. I am still taking pictures when something catches my breath, I am still listening to music,  studying my facial expressions, and writing letters in my heart.
I want to know myself again. I want to push myself and TRY! And that's what I am doing, I'm trying to learn to spread my wings and fly again. This doesn't mean that I am not going to attempt to continue these challenges but I don't want to force myself to do something if it's not going to help me grow...

Sept

Today took a turn on a few things...
I have slacked on writing letters. I have the ideas for them. I write them in my heart. But I have struggled to put it in visible form. I guess the first person that popped in to my head was Angelina Jolie. Because she showed the insecurity in herself and in a marriage. She broke up what everyone thought was Hollywood's perfect marriage. For what?
No pictures today... I don't have anything new. I'm trying to be content with what I have...
I couldn't find a video of the song I wanted to post, but this is by the same artist and it also has special meaning. It reminds me of my time in MAMC.

I have definitely had dreams where I had a knock out drag out fight with someone who destroyed a friendship for me.
Whole30 is finally getting a little easier, but I don't know that I am doing the greatest at it. I hope I am not making too many concessions. However I don't want to obsess over everything I put in my body! Dinner tonight was tilapia, crab, and Italian turkey sausage with some green beans and sweet potato fries. It was pretty good, except for the point where I started puking because I was choking on green beans! And I'm down six and a half pounds.
Today was an ab break, but I got a run in. I am starting to fall in to my stride and I held my own without stopping. It was actually really relaxing!
So there's your daily round up...

Six

Wow! It's hard to believe it's almost been a week. It feels like forever and a day all at once.
So jumping right in to day six...
Today's letter was of my choice. And I chose to write to a dear friend of mine who helped me through a lot of tough situations lately. I never knew when we first met how God would bless me with her.
Apparently I lost it yesterday and did two photo challenges in one? I don't know what I was thinking??? But TODAY was supposed to be a childhood memory!

The song for today was one that made me think of a place... Anytime I pass into GA I see the sign that says "Thank you for having Georgia on your mind"

"Georgia on my Mind" by Ray Charles
I've struggled lately with dreams or even remembering them. But I had one a few months ago about my friend "LishMo". I was a bridesmaid in her wedding (in the dream)!
Whole30 was a whole lot better today! I finally felt like eating and for lunch I had guacamole with carrots and a spinach leaf salad with guac and salsa and a little but of turkey. For dinner I made spaghetti squash, garlic marinara, and turkey Italian Sausage. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be, but it was pretty good!
Phew, That stinks! Or at least that's what my face is trying to say!

That ab workout is getting hard! I have been trying to do it without any pauses during anyone exercise. But today I was pretty sure I was going to rip my lower abs if I didn't pause during those leg raises! (I know that's probably not physically possible!)
All in all I have felt pretty good. I have had an everlasting headache but I have a feeling it's a combination of the rain and my body detoxing all the unhealthy things from my system! But I feel like this is more realistic now. Although I do need to stop slacking on my letter writing and picture taking! Oh and I want some more dreams. Nice ones!

Cinq

Whew! Today I did my Bible reading, read my prayer book, got dressed, took my mom's temperature, packed her lunch, took her to work, did my ab challenge, did thirty minutes of walking/running on the treadmill for week one, day three of the 5k program, showered, posted a note on facebook about my stroke, packed my lunch, discussed plans for tomorrow, and dropped something off to my mom all before going to work. Needless to say it's been a long and busy day!!! Not to mention it was "Stroke" day.
Oh yeah speaking of the prayer book... I keep forgetting to mention I also added a book called "Lord, Teach Me to Pray in 28 Days" by Kay Arthur.

 

Today's letter has to go out to my girl Taylor. She is my guilty pleasure music and she desperately needs some relationship advice. Girl goes through boyfriends rather swiftly.
Photo was supposed to be of someone I love! And I really love my Mama!!!

When I was a child, I loved swings. That is why I have a fondness for photos of swings...

This song makes me think of a former coworker. I wish that it didn't. I wish that I could still love this song.

"When Did You Fall?" by Chris Rice
I don't have a "him". So I don't have a dream with "him" in it.
I'm still having this not very hungry feeling. Not sure why... But bananas and applesauce are my favorite foods right now. And I had some Sweet Italian Sausage for dinner. I can't wait til mom has her appetite back. I am so hoping to have some real food for you soon and maybe even a recipe!
And what's the fun of a silly face with out a little face mask?!

This morning I decided to do the ab challenge as a warm-up for my run. There was a yoga mat at the gym this morning so I decided to give it a try. This was the first morning I had to take a break in the middle of my leg raises. Man those suckers hurt! And then I got up and started my last run of week one. It was raining and I didn't do so hot the last time I tried running in the break of rain. So I decided to continue at the gym on the treadmill. The run felt pretty good. I was able to reserve my energy having to adjust my pace for the walk/run intervals. I had to fight with the treadmill for a while to get it to do what I wanted to do, but I felt great when I was done. That is until I went to look at my distance/pace and realized my phone didn't record the run. But I think it was a lesson in enjoying the fun of a good run.

Quatre

Everyday that goes by gets a little harder to keep up with...
So here goes day four...
Today my letter was to the person who has influenced me the most. My Mama Leah had already been on my mind so she was the obvious choice. It's hard to believe it's been almost a year since she left this world. I still miss her all the time.
My favorite color has been and forever will be... Pink! Since I was five years old, its always been my first choice. I got extremely irritated when pink was the it color for a few years.
I love this deep hue of it.

Since we are already on the topic of my Mama Leah today I will say that this song makes me so sad. I know that it speaks the truth but I wish we still had her with us!

"Better Hands Now" by Natalie Grant
Again I haven't dreamed a lot of dreams lately. I know my coworker would say that my close encounter with James Franco at some award show was my most exciting dream. Christina Ricci was also there.

I personally find him rather creepy.

I don't know why but ever since I've started Whole30 I haven't had much of an appetite. Yesterday I had a smoothie with banana, strawberries, raspberries, and spinach! And then my mum wasn't feeling well so I was on my own for dinner. Which meant I had some applesauce (I forgot how yummy this was!) and some crab meat which was mediocre.
My pissed off face is all in the eyes...

And the ab challenge is getting harder everyday!

Trois

It seems like the days I have off from work are easier to do challenges then others.
So today's letter is difficult because for years whenever asked who my best friend was I had an easy answer. And then about a year ago that all changed. So the question became who do I write the letter to? I have a stellar group of close friends whom I love dearly, and I couldn't have made it through the past year with out them.
Today was the perfect day for today's photo challenge because it was cloudy all day long so I got some great shots of the cloudy weather.

The song that makes me happy right now is going to be my summer theme song!

"Cruise" by Florida Georgia Line
My happiest dream was the one I had that predicted my goddaughter's birth! It had been denied on several counts and then a few months later the truth was revealed that indeed this precious little girl was on her way to earth!

Whole30 was not my finest today. I wasn't hungry at all today and ate purely out of necessity. So pre-run snack was a handful of almonds. Post run a frozen banana (my new favorite)! Lunch was a salad with spinach, carrots, boiled egg, and diced turkey breast from a salad bar. And dinner was zucchini wrapped salmon, sweet potato fries and zucchini; which both ironically weren't fried but baked. The salmon was a rather frustrating experiment but it turned out okay. And I took a pre-made marinade and made it from scratch so that I knew exactly what was going into it and it didn't have any corn syrup in it!

 
This facial expression came to you straight from my theater days as I made myself cry on the spot to give you my sad face.

My back is still out, but I am still pushing through. It's not getting any worse, but it's not getting any better either. I had a rest day from the ab challenge which meant it was the perfect day for my second c25k run. However there were many factors that made it a not so perfect run! It rained before my run, so it was humid by the river. I didn't have time to eat before it rained again so I was running on the aforementioned handful of almonds. And I dressed for it to be chilly because of the rain but it wasn't. It was literally steaming. And I had long compression pants, a sports bra, sweat resistant tank, and a sweatshirt! Not to mention the sports socks and baseball cap. I was boiling. I lost the sweat shirt at the start of the first lap. And ended up with thirty second run two minute walk intervals, because I just couldn't get my body moving and make it through thirty minutes. Oh well, lesson learned!

Post run exhaustion!

Oh I forgot to mention I broke an unofficial rule and weighed myself :-/. I'm down four and a half pounds already and I am super pumped and motivated to keep going!

Deux

And the daily round up for day two...
The letter prompt for today was writing to your childhood self. Which to me is pure irony because I don't know that I ever learned to be a child. I stopped at a very young age. But the main thing I told my then self is  "Don't let other peoples' words influence who you are", even if they might hurt and of course the motto you've all heard it a thousand times "Healthy is the NEW skinny". I wish I had held on to those simple truths from childhood into adulthood.
The photo challenge was a picture of what I wore today. And since it is independence week I rocked the classic Red, White, and Blue.

Red ruffled button up, white cami, blue skinny jeans and some ivory flats. I also had on a white cardigan and blue sunglasses.

Song challenge was an easy pick because right now I have heard this annoying song EVERYWHERE! And I know some people love it but I just can't stand it, or him for that matter! Don't tell me it's you!
Least favorite song pick goes to:

"Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke I can't believe I am even putting this song on my blog... ew!
Scariest dream I've had recently was the one in which my mom was in cardiac arrest and I was panicking. I couldn't get her on the floor. Didn't know if I should call 911 first, or unlock my door and get my neighbor to help me get her off the bed so I could start CPR. So I just kept running back and forth half way to where I was trying to go! I woke up in tears!
Whole30 got a touch harder yesterday, trying to figure out what to eat. So breakfast was poached eggs with salsa on top. I snacked on some raw almonds. For lunch my friend ran to the grocery store so I asked her to pick me up one of their strawberry, blueberry, chicken salads. I knew it had cheese on it but it was shavings so I easily picked it off. I asked her to pick me up one of the packets of Caesar dressing too. Only to find out that the dressing had dairy in it also! So I ate my salad with no dressing and just made sure I had a bit of fruit in every bite. Dinner I had a salad with gyro meat on top, again with no dressing. And for dessert, I had a frozen banana! It was heavenly! I would like to also add a little disclaimer that I can not say with one hundred percent certainty that everything I am eating is approved by the plan. I am just going by my understanding of it and what works for me.
Face numero dos:The happy face. It is so awkward trying to take a picture of your own happy face!

Day three for the ab challenge was again hard due to my back but I managed to get through it before I slipped off to work. Twenty-five situps, ten crunches, ten leg raises, and a fifteen second plank(the only part I managed to get through with out any pain.
And so ends day two...

Un

I didn't realize how much I was signing up for when I decided to do all these challenges. It's kind of hard to keep up with...
So the letter challenge was the one that really caught me by surprise. I am really not sure if I will ever get married so when the first letter was to your significant other I was at a loss. So I wrote a letter to my future about what this month was all about to me. Maybe one day there will be a Mister and he will read it too.
For the photo challenge I don't really like to post pictures of peoples faces because I never really know who's out there watching. Which is also why I have never mentioned what I do or where I live... So I don't know where I am going with this one? Maybe, maybe not, maybe, maybe not?

Ok, FINE!

This picture was totally taken a month ago!

 I am honestly trying to take a picture every day, one on the phone and/or the camera. But I didn't want to be limited by the challenge...
The song challenge... How do you CHOOSE a favorite song??? But this is one I've loved forever that I couldn't fit into another category...

At one point I vowed I would walk down the aisle to this.

About these dreams... I haven't had a whole lot of them lately but the most recent one I can remember was a very depressing one in which I was arguing and yelling at family members because they were fighting over my mom's things.
The first day of Whole30 was interesting. I could definitely feel some differences in my body. Felt like I had a stone in my stomach since I was eating wholesome solid food. For breakfast I had an omelet with spinach and garlic topped with hot sauce (I think it's Whole approved? Maybe not?) and lunch was lemon grilled chicken with steamed carrots and broccoli. By this point the rock in my stomach had started to form so I didn't have much of an appetite so dinner was just a handful of raspberries.
Faces, faces, faces... they are all so very different and yet the same...

This is supposed to be a Regular Face?

And for the fitness portion of my challenge I completed my first day of the couch-to-five-k program. I started off by going full force on the running portion and realized about halfway through, if I wanted to finish I needed to leave some in reserve. I finished it and did about two and a quarter miles run/walk. Not to mention the other two miles I did walking while pushing a baby stroller (whiny baby!!!). I pulled out my back while babysitting so the ab workout was not the most fun thing, but I finished it anyway! In case you didn't see the calendar I did fifteen sit-ups, eight crunches, eight leg raises, AND a  twelve second plank!
So that is the summary of my first day of the challenge...

Ready... Set...

So the blog is going to look a little different over the next month during challenge month. Not exactly sure what that entails... I am going to attempt to do a daily post depending on my schedule it may turn in to a weekly post. There are so many little challenges I am doing, I don't want to miss any of the details that get lost in the mess of it all.
So to start...
The first day was more of a prep day than an actual launch of the challenge. I did start the Ab Challenge today. Whew. It looks so simple on paper, but working muscles you haven't used in a while is harder than you think.
To recap I am doing the following challenges:

I probably won't share the letters everyday unless I feel like they have some importance behind them, but I will try and share a little something about everything else... Wish me luck!

Jumble

"Time is what keeps"

Currently:
Reading: "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne

Watching: Rizzoli & Isles



Listening: "Walk on the Water" by Britt Nicole

So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you

You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes in you
You can walk on the water too

"things from happening"

It has literally taken me days to write this post. I had one day off this week and I spent a majority of the day babysitting. So between covering shifts at work and my moms birthday, I have been tapped out and not much time to sit down and write. So forgive me if this seems a bit scattered. I'm trying my best here.

I had my wisdom teeth taken out a couple months ago and had to be on pain killers. Then my doctor put me on some medication that I had to take for several weeks. The symptoms were so awful I just wanted to curl up in a ball. I actually had to ask him to take me off of it because I was having such miserable side effects. Then immediately after I got off the medicine and got it out of my system I hit the road for Atlanta.
I know this may all seem random, but they really do connect. You see when I was on my medication I had to stop working out. I didn't feel safe going to the gym by myself when the treadmill was in front of a brick wall. And home workouts were out of the question due to my lack of energy.

Unfortunately, it has become a lot harder to get back into my precious workouts then it was to stop. I miss that time where I knew that my body was working and how to listen to it. I spent a lot of that time clearing my head and talking to God. My first few workouts since have been hard. I have had to cut them shorter than normal and my body is not responding in the way it normally would. I miss it all.
I am working hard to get back into shape. Into training my body to respond in the way it used to when the rubber met the road weekly. I want to be healthy again. I want to be fit. I want to get back into my habit of healthy living. I want discipline!
July is going to be a crazy month here on the blog as I try a few new challenges. I am looking to start the Whole30 program. In addition I am going to start the Couch to 5k program and a 30 Day Ab Challenge. And I want to do some sort of photo challenge as well. Wow totally just got side tracked by challenges I found on Google. There might be more to this list my the time I am done... Needless to say July is being labeled CHALLENGE MONTH!
Do you know that it takes twenty-one to twenty-eight days to form a habit. That is three weeks to a month to form a simple habit. However if you miss one day in that time frame you have to start all over...

habit |ˈhabit|
noun
1 a settled or regular tendency or practice, esp. one that is hard to give up : this can develop into a bad habit | we stayed together out of habit.
• informal an addictive practice, esp. one of taking drugs : a cocaine habit.

"all at once." ~Graffiti

Jolie

"Today is the"

Currently
Reading: "The Westing Game" by Ellen Raskin
This was a book I read as a child that I am now re-reading as an adult. I linked these back to Scholastic Books because they were the a main resource for my love of books as a child.

 

 Watching: Graceland

This is the brand new pilot introduced by USA on my birthday! I love it already.

Listening: "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri
I am not a twi-hard. I just love the words to this song. Just close your eyes and listen.

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

"tomorrow we worried"

Twenty-four is here. It's now. Eleven months ago my world unraveled. Nine and a half months ago I wasn't sure if I would ever wake up again. The minutes have become hours, the hours into days. And the days into weeks, and months, and now almost a year.
I have peace. I have hope. I have dreams. Things most people thought would shatter in the wake of all I've fought through. I have allowed myself to want again.  I don't know what that means. I don't know where it all will take me. But I want...
I want to be brave.
I want to feel strong.
I want to be healthy. (It's the new thin! In case you haven't heard before)
I want to be fashionable.
I want to be financially responsible.
I want to be generous.
I want to be pretty. I want to be jolie.
I want it to radiate from me, in a way that beauty can only come from the heart. I want to be a gentle missionary of grace. The proverbs thirty-one woman, not having to be the thirty-one wife.

I asked my mom about our twenty-four years together. I asked her about our highs and lows. At first she spouted off silly things. Things about a certain boy I shouldn't have dated. But then she realized that was not what I was searching for. She then began to tell me how much it hurt that I lied about not eating. Or that I really did lie about dating that boy. She told me how she loved my servants heart. That she loved how I was always willing to fight for the underdog. Loved that I was generous. I will hold those words in my heart until the day I die. I want to be the person my mom sees me as. Because she see's the best of who I am even in my worst moments.

At twenty-three i thought it was the end.  I laugh as I realize, it was only a new beginning.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

"Twenty-Four" by Switchfoot

Twenty four oceans

Twenty four skies

Twenty four failures

Twenty four tries

Twenty four finds me

In twenty-fourth place

Twenty four drop outs

At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was

Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong

With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out

When You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man

Oh, oh I am the second man now

Oh, oh I am the second man now

My ever so wonderful birthday "cake"

"about yesterday." ~Anonymous

Prologue

"She gets goosebumps from tiny, perfect things. Seeing the stars. Fruit trees in bloom."

Currently
Reading: "Canary Island Song" by Robin Jones Gunn

Watching: How I Met Your Mother


Listening: "Fix You" by Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

"The scent of dinner from a neighbor's house, a phone call at the right time, a bar of exotic choicolate."

"She keeps a list in her wallet of the gorgeous parts of everyday: maple leaves, new perfume, slow-cooked tomato sauce."

Today closes out my twenty-third year. Life is still not what I thought it was going to be when I started this blog two years ago. This YEAR has not been what I thought it was going to be. But I have survived. I have fought. I am here. NO ONE can take that away from me. My scars are proof. They will never leave. I can still feel them as if they are brand new some days and others I have to search them out.

I have gained twenty pounds since my surgery. I still haven't gotten back in to my full work out routine. I miss my photography. My diet has been less than stellar. My hair is a mess. And I'm STILL not in school. That's my summary of what I haven't/am not.
What I am is alive. I am tumor free. I am a fighter. I am learning. I am stronger. I am more confident. I am at peace, or at least as close to peace as I've been in a while.

I am a traveler, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend. A dispatcher, counselor, teacher, helper, encourager. I love to cook and organize and take pictures. 

 

I was, am, and will be.

Good bye twenty-three... Tomorrow is a new day, a new design, a new plan.

"She adds to it all the time. She is rich with wonder."

 I am her

Maybe Marriage

"She lies awake and listens to what her heart has to say,"

Currently
Reading: "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis

Watching: Ready For Love 

Listening: "When I Was Your Man" by Bruno Mars

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

"hears it declare that this is the beginning of her own new year,"

I hear it a lot. "You are going to make a great mom someday". "You are such an encourager". "You have that nurturing instinct".  Never have I heard, "You are going to be such a good wife", "You are such a Proverbs Thirty-One woman", or "You are going to make a great partner for someone".

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past week or two. Future thinking. Going crazy, have to turn off all the lights and sit in a dark room, with just some music, and my thoughts thinking. I cried. I prayed. I listened and conversed with God. I drove myself crazy until I fell asleep.

Why is it that people tell me I would make a great mother, but not a great wife? I struggle with this. I struggle knowing what is next. I keep trying to shape myself. I find myself making goals, attempting to become this modern day Proverbial woman. A Mary and Martha combined in to one person. But at the same time, I don't pretend to have any prospects. I don't begin to fathom my life radically changing in the near future. I struggle with the idea of someone possibly wanting me.

And then I laugh at myself... I am terrified of finding someone. Because then I would have to bare my everything to them. My entire world would change. They would have to know my deepest, darkest parts. They would be introduced to the crazy, irrational, psychopathic mess that is my family. That opens up a whole other can of worms.

I don't know where I am going. I am lost with no direction. And I find God subtly reminding me of the words He spoke over me three years ago. I try to remember that I don't need to be hunting, I don't need to be planning, I just need to rely on His truth. His plans are so much better than mine.

I will wait, I will wait for you.

"and in this year she will, she won't, and she'll start..."

Mannerisms

 "A phone call from an old friend, just when you needed it. The sound after a snowfall. A perfect peach."

Currently
Reading: Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
Watching: Remember Sunday

Listening: "Firefly" by Jimmy Needham

It's tulips and it's daisies
Your favorite flowers lately
You think that I ain't listening, but you know I do
With your two lips on me baby
My head starts getting dazey
Don't give me a flower
What I want is you 

"A moment of sheer confidence. Finding the right words. Feeling strong. Knowing the answer. Green lights."

It's funny how you blindly pick up habits of the people around you. They sneak their way into your system unknowingly. And then one day they catch you off guard.

Over the past few days I have found myself automatically making gestures and comments that almost feel wired into my DNA. Nothing major or life altering. Mostly simple things I almost don't notice and that at the very last second... I do. Things like bouncing my shoulders when I get excited. Or shouting Auy Guay! Or pull my hair half back loosely in a clip. Simple things that make no difference in the grand scheme of it all, but make a marked difference in the day to day.

It is in those miments that I feel them with me. I feel their love for me and I love them so dearly. I lived life with them everyday for long periods of time. They bring joy to my life. They put smiles on my face. I carry them with me. They are a part of me.

"New growth. A compliment. Quiet time. Sudden laughter."

ALL American

"And if we go down,"

Currently
Reading: "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" by Joanna Weaver
I got a non fiction book in this month! YES!!! I am on track to finish by the thirtieth! And have May's books picked out!
Watching: "Hitch"
I am laughing that half of this trailer didn't even make it into the movie! It's entertaining me through me pain.

Listening: "Star Spangled Banner" by Frances Scott Key

And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

 "we go down"

Last week was one for the history books. Two Russian men set up bombs at the Boston Marathon. They killed three people that day, one of whom was an eight year old little boy named Martin. They also injured countless others, as well as an MIT officer a few days later. And for days it ruled the airways. In fact new information is hitting the air every morning. It all came to a conclusion that Friday, after a day long quarrantine, when seemingly every law enforcement officer in the state descended on little Watertown, Massechusetts. It was bone chilling...

If you've ever lived near an iconic city such as Boston, New York, Chicago, or LA, you know what it means to eat, breath, and bleed the city. If you go out of town, you are proud to tell 'em where you are from. Your city has THE BEST food. You are a die-hard fan of every team in the city... even if they suck. You take pride in any major event that takes place there. And when the country looks upon your city you beam. You are you city and your city lives in you. Your strength, pride and joy are symbiotic to its'. There is nothing better than living in a major hub that is an iconic city.

 

Photo Credit: Chicago Tribune

Even more chilling was the people running into the pack TOWARDS the bombs. Or the Chicago Tribune Sports Page posting all the Boston teams "We Are Chicago". Or the Bruins game in which the honor guard came out to stand for all the law enforcement fighting the terrorism. Or the man who was brave enough to speak up when he noticed something off near his boat. Or the fact that his boat got destroyed and he denied the offerings of money for a new boat and asked that the money go to the fund for those injured. Or when the people were finally able to leave their homes. Or the cheers that erupted when the police finally left the scene with their man. Or as you heard a chorus of voices building as they sang "The Star Spangled Banner". Our Anthem. The All-American Anthem. #BostonSTRONG

"Fighting." ~Brad Marchand, Boston Bruin

Articulate

"Your playing small does not serve the world."

Currently
Reading: "Sisterhood Everlasting" by Ann Brashares

Watching: "Numb3rs" 
Listening: "High School" by Superchick

High school is like the state of the nation
Some people never change after graduation,
Believing any light you shine makes theirs lesser,
They have to prove to everyone that theirs is better
These are the rules, the ways of high school
If someone puts you down, that's so high school,
Believing they're too cool for you, that's so high school
If you believe it too, that's also high school,
I know I'll be graduating early

"There is nothing enlightened about shrinking," 

I am an encourager. I love words of affirmation. I marvel at how eloquently words can be spoken. How they can be made into beautiful art and yet be used to shred people apart.
Over the past few days, I have been blown away by the power of words. I have been complimented, encouraged, cut down, and diminished. And it is amazing how those simple things effected my day.

com·pli·ment

[n. kom-pluh-muhnt; v. kom-pluh-ment] Show IPA

noun

1.an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration: A sincere compliment boosts one's morale.

2.a formal act or expression of civility, respect, or regard: The mayor paid him the compliment of escorting him.

3.compliments, a courteous greeting; good wishes; regards: He sends you his compliments.

4.Archaic. a gift; present.

verb (used with object)

5.to pay a compliment to: She complimented the child on his good behavior.

6.to show kindness or regard for by a gift or other favor: He complimented us by giving a party in our honor.

7.to congratulate; felicitate: to compliment a prince on the birth of a son.

A man complimented me. It was astonishing. It caught me off guard. It made me smile. It was an off the cuff comment that probably meant nothing to him. Do I think he was trying to hit on me or take advantage of the opportunity? No. But it was nice. It was kind. It was genuine. And I chose to receive instead of fight it like I normally would.

en·cour·age

[en-kur-ij, -kuhr-] Show IPA

verb (used with object), en·cour·aged, en·cour·ag·ing.

1. to inspire with courage, spirit, or confidence: His coach encouraged him throughout the marathon race to keep on running.

2. to stimulate by assistance, approval, etc.: One of the chief duties of a teacher is to encourage students.

3. to promote, advance, or foster: Poverty often encourages crime.

Encouragement is like a hug from a friend. It comforts you and pushes you forward. My dear friend pushed me forward yesterday. She made me face what I wanted to run from. She told me stories that lightened the way. And virtually held my hand.

"so that other people won't feel insecure around you."

I was cut down and diminished by an old coworker. She was rude and condescending. But she was that way when I worked there.  She was one of those people that believe any one else shining takes away from them. I didn't let her get me in that moment. However, it definitely carried into my day.

I have been thinking a lot about my mouth since my surgery. How often do I say things that cut others down? How often do I speak when it's unnecessary? Or have to have the last word?
When was the last time I genuinely complimented someone? When was the last time I held someones hand with my words? What about you?

"We are are all meant to shine, as children do." ~Marianne Willamson

Appetite

My goal when starting this blog was to bring together all of the things I loved. Writing, counseling, health and fitness, vegetarian food, and photography. Unfortunately over the past two years I faced a lot of trials that found me writing and pouring out my wisdom from what I learned in school for counseling. But I am finding myself in a place where I want to at least try and move past all the junk and gunk. And I want to share the rest of my passions. Like vegetarian cooking...

When I came home I was determined to take better care of myself and continue on with a healthy vegetarian lifestyle. But I didn't want anymore of the boring and bland vegetarian food I had come to know. I needed everything to have a kick to it. I found myself wanting very specific food. Hispanic food to be exact. Thanks to the dawning of the Pinterest era I was able to find some new and exciting recipes, along with the other vegetarian lifestyle blog.

So without further ado I bring you, "Huevos Rancheros Casserole":


It started with this lovely recipe for  Huevos Rancheros,  but I have never been a big fan of corn tortillas and mine were just not coming out right. So I asked myself what could I do to make it easier to eat and enjoy. And then it hit me... Quiche Cornbread! I found it on one of my favorite lifestyle blogs Healthy Tipping Point or HTP as Caitlin (the author) tends to call it. So I set my brain to work and put them together to fit the following recipe.

You will need:

Cooking Spray
1 box of cornbread mix
1c milk split(of any kind)
1/2 can black beans, drained
6 eggs
Shredded Mexican Cheese Blend
Cayenne Pepper
Cumin
Salt
Salsa
Sour Cream
Cilantro

You will also need the following kitchen utensils:

1 mixing bowl
Mixing Spoon
Approx. 3" Deep Baking Dish
Measuring Cup

1. Preheat your oven to 350*. Always the key step!!! It might be hard to do with a cold oven!
2. Combine ingredients on your cornbread box. This is where that first half cup of milk probably comes in.
3. Pour cornbread mix in greased baking dish and bake for 15 minutes.
4. While cornbread is in the oven, combine the 6 eggs, 1/2 c milk, Cayenne, Salt, and Pepper to taste.
5. Remove cornbread from oven and pour the black beans directly on the cornbread and spread out evenly.
6. Pour the egg mixture over the black beans and cornbread and sprinkle the cheese blend over the eggs.
7. Place the baking dish back in the oven for 20 minutes. Then turn the oven up to 400 for an additional 5 minutes. Cook until eggs are completely set.
8. Allow it to cool and you are able to handle. Cut it in slices and top with salsa, sour cream, and cilantro.
9. ENJOY the yummy warm goodness!!!!

Awakening

 "On reflection, "

Currently
Reading: "The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants" by Ann Brashares
Watching: "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"

Source: YouTube
Listening: "22" by Taylor Swift


Source: Vevo.com

I don't know about you but I'm feeling 22
Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you
You don't know about me but I bet you want to
Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22, 22

"one of the things I needed to learn was"

When you are child you believe in everything and think that nothing will ever change; when you grow up you realize that you can't believe in everything and that nothing stays the SAME.

 I love "The Sisterhood" for bringing me closer to my childhood friends when we were younger, but at the same time I think it gave us false hope hat we would be together forever. I realized within this past month how UNTRUE that was. I will always love my dear friend, growing up she was more my sister than my own. But our lives have taken separate paths. And for some reason she's chosen to walk away from me.

Growing up is hard on a friendship. There’s no revelation in that.

I remember my mom once told me that a good family is built for

leaving, because that is what children must do. And I’ve wondered

many times, is that also what a good friendship is supposed to be

built for? Because ours isn’t. We have no idea how to cope with the

leaving. And I’m probably the worst of all. If you need a picture,

picture this: me putting my hands over my eyes, pretending the leav-

ing isn’t happening, waiting for us all to be together again.
"Sisterhood Everlasting: Prologue" by Ann Brashares

But that's not what this is about. It's about growing up, growing older, CHANGING. 

I yearn for a day where I will feel settled again. Where I can finally feel safe. Where I can belong. Where I can share a heart with someone else. Because that is what the sisterhood is about. Being together even when you a million miles apart. Learning to shine on your own while you are basking in the glory of your friends.


I am learning how love people again... and maybe even letting other people love me. I'm growing, I'm hurting, I am healing.

Teach me O God to walk in your truth.

"to allow myself to be loved." ~Isha McKenzie-Mavinga

Letters to Baby P~ One Year

Dear Sweet P,

It's hard to believe that a year ago today I finally got the word that you, my dear, were here. And my how these twelve months have flown by.
You've gone from this helpless little baby to this daring and adventuress toddler. You have learned to explore and you love it. And I am pretty sure you get prettier everyday. Your smile is radiant and you are a joy.
I pray that you never lose your joy. That you always remain as curious about the world as you are now. And that you would know that your safety is always found in the Father.
You've changed my little world once again, and for as much as changed has scared me over the years you were one of the best changes brought into my world. I hold on to the moments we have with you as an infant and look forward to your toddler years. And watching you grow up into the woman God has planned for you to be.

But until then we'll be here for you... with open arms,
Love Always,
Aunt T

Prepping

This past year has been difficult to keep up with the blog. I was pretty consistent my first year of writing, but right after I started that second year my world turned upside down. I was struggling to keep up with a new job, lots of big events, and some awful health problems. But I am hoping that by the time June rolls around I will be ready to regularly write again, just in time for the start of the third year of "Show Me Again". However, that doesn't mean I am going to hold off until then to start writing again. I've got all kinds of exciting things coming up in the next few months including a multifaceted thirty day challenge that involves a new eating plan, workout, and some photography! And there's even more before I start that! Sweet P is turning one next week and I am so excited to write about this little girl and all of my other loves! I laugh at myself, because I know that I only have about one reader and she usually knows about a lot this stuff before it gets posted. But its nice to have a place to look back and document all the craziness! So here's to some renewed discipline and rest!

On the Road (to recovery)

Currently
Reading:Absolutely nothing! I have been slacking in this department.
Watching: CSI:NY 
Listening: "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift

Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don't you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up 

 

This blog comes to you from the open road of Florida. Four days, three major stops, and several hundred miles by car. We are on the last leg, trying to get to that third stop before we reach our final destination: HOME. Over the last few days I've added Florida to the list of states I've visited, watched a dear friend get married, stood on the beach at the Gulf of Mexico, gone to Universal Studios, and am now on my way to have dinner with fifteen to twenty friends from school. My heart is both heavy and light. I am overwhelmed. And yet feel so blessed.
This trip was a Godsend, but it's unbelievably hard to imagine. The two hardest parts being, the wedding and the dinner I am about to attend.
I watched someone I love dearly get married. Someone, that when I was a child, I believed I would be marring. Now I've known, for quite sometime, that I would never be the one looking at him on this day. But I couldn't imagined what it would feel like to be there on that day. I somehow managed not to cry, but it was equally hard nonetheless. Now, don't get me wrong, his bride is lovely. I knew from the first time I spoke with her that she was the one he was going to marry. I even threatened him, if he didn't. I couldn't have hand picked anyone better if I tried. She is sweet and kind and is a match for match of him. I love her. But it's a different kind of love, a different kind of relationship that I have with her as opposed to him. I know that after this past Saturday nothing will be the same again. He has a wife now. She is his responsibility, his priority, and his number one friend. She is not the jealous type, but we've always had this relationship where we can not talk for ages and then pick right back up and talk for hours. It will never just be him and me again. It will always be them and me. And that makes me a little sad. I've tried to prepare myself for years, attempting to pull back and not feel this way. But I guess I did not expect it to come so soon or for it to happen to him first.
I am sadly pathetic in the way I scream I want to stay single, I don't want to have children; and yet in my heart I cry for companionship and nurturing, long to be longed for. I suppose if I ever want that to change, I will have to stop screaming "I don't want tos" and start being more open with myself. Although I so live in a cultural wasteland, so I guess good luck to me with that.
Oddly though, here I am feeling a mix of bravery and anxiety about my upcoming stop: dinner with MC.
I took a break from writing at this point, simply because I was exhausted.
Dinner, dinner was not what I planned, but it went alright. There were about ten people there and I shared what has happened over the past year or two, and how God has challenged me. And I think everyone left with a little more peace than they had before. Knowing what God has done in my lifeand how he's moved us forward. I trust God. I know that He had a purpose for last night. I just don't know all the details yet...

Destruction

Currently
Reading: "Angels in the Snow" by Melody Carlson
Hopefully over the next year you will see two books here, as I try to read one fiction and one non-fiction book
"Deep Unto Deep: The Journey of His Embrace" by Dana Candler
Watching: Getting ready to watch "Necessary Roughness"
Listening: "Lead Me To The Cross" by Seventh Day Slumber

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Oh lead me
Lead me to the cross

I have O.C.D.

Organize the

Chaos

Disorder

My life feels like piles of disarray, screaming for order! And I'm running around trying to pick up the mess. I feel like maybe this is just preparing me for the season around the corner. Because it's time. Time for my new season.

I've been going through this new phase... the neat and tidy phase. Which shouldn't be that surprising for a Type A personality like me. But I am and it is. Everything must move, everything must be scrubbed, everything must GO! It's like my sanity depends on it. And unfortunately I am going insane. There is not enough time in a day to get all that I want to do done. I am burnt out at work and I am just not sure how much longer this can go on!!!

I have a list of projects to get done. My kitchen has been ransacked. My bathroom is waiting to be deep cleaned and have stuff tossed out. And my bedroom has an entire wall that looks like a communications board with my three page goal list for the year, three calendars (one general calendar, one cleaning/organizing for the year, and one for my bible reading; this does not count the one in my nightstand for checking off my daily goals), and there is also a dry erase board with my monthly goals on it. I have piles of stuff that are screaming to be gone through and organized. And I have never thrown out so much stuff in my life. It's like I am nesting and detoxing at the same time.

I feel insane... out of control, yet in complete order. Ready to move on but unsure of where to go. Somethings about to happen. I am ready to stick my hand out, maybe even into someone else's.

I know right now this might sound crazy. And it is. One hundred percent. But I also hope this will be part of the solution. I am hoping this will put me back on track. And I know one day I will come back and look at this and laugh, at least I hope. I just want my confidence back. I want my fierce strength. I want to have a plan again.

Jesus help me. I am crying out to you for even the slightest sense of normalcy in my life. And a pinch of joy would be nice also.