On the Road (to recovery)

Currently
Reading:Absolutely nothing! I have been slacking in this department.
Watching: CSI:NY 
Listening: "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift

Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don't you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up 

 

This blog comes to you from the open road of Florida. Four days, three major stops, and several hundred miles by car. We are on the last leg, trying to get to that third stop before we reach our final destination: HOME. Over the last few days I've added Florida to the list of states I've visited, watched a dear friend get married, stood on the beach at the Gulf of Mexico, gone to Universal Studios, and am now on my way to have dinner with fifteen to twenty friends from school. My heart is both heavy and light. I am overwhelmed. And yet feel so blessed.
This trip was a Godsend, but it's unbelievably hard to imagine. The two hardest parts being, the wedding and the dinner I am about to attend.
I watched someone I love dearly get married. Someone, that when I was a child, I believed I would be marring. Now I've known, for quite sometime, that I would never be the one looking at him on this day. But I couldn't imagined what it would feel like to be there on that day. I somehow managed not to cry, but it was equally hard nonetheless. Now, don't get me wrong, his bride is lovely. I knew from the first time I spoke with her that she was the one he was going to marry. I even threatened him, if he didn't. I couldn't have hand picked anyone better if I tried. She is sweet and kind and is a match for match of him. I love her. But it's a different kind of love, a different kind of relationship that I have with her as opposed to him. I know that after this past Saturday nothing will be the same again. He has a wife now. She is his responsibility, his priority, and his number one friend. She is not the jealous type, but we've always had this relationship where we can not talk for ages and then pick right back up and talk for hours. It will never just be him and me again. It will always be them and me. And that makes me a little sad. I've tried to prepare myself for years, attempting to pull back and not feel this way. But I guess I did not expect it to come so soon or for it to happen to him first.
I am sadly pathetic in the way I scream I want to stay single, I don't want to have children; and yet in my heart I cry for companionship and nurturing, long to be longed for. I suppose if I ever want that to change, I will have to stop screaming "I don't want tos" and start being more open with myself. Although I so live in a cultural wasteland, so I guess good luck to me with that.
Oddly though, here I am feeling a mix of bravery and anxiety about my upcoming stop: dinner with MC.
I took a break from writing at this point, simply because I was exhausted.
Dinner, dinner was not what I planned, but it went alright. There were about ten people there and I shared what has happened over the past year or two, and how God has challenged me. And I think everyone left with a little more peace than they had before. Knowing what God has done in my lifeand how he's moved us forward. I trust God. I know that He had a purpose for last night. I just don't know all the details yet...

Destruction

Currently
Reading: "Angels in the Snow" by Melody Carlson
Hopefully over the next year you will see two books here, as I try to read one fiction and one non-fiction book
"Deep Unto Deep: The Journey of His Embrace" by Dana Candler
Watching: Getting ready to watch "Necessary Roughness"
Listening: "Lead Me To The Cross" by Seventh Day Slumber

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Oh lead me
Lead me to the cross

I have O.C.D.

Organize the

Chaos

Disorder

My life feels like piles of disarray, screaming for order! And I'm running around trying to pick up the mess. I feel like maybe this is just preparing me for the season around the corner. Because it's time. Time for my new season.

I've been going through this new phase... the neat and tidy phase. Which shouldn't be that surprising for a Type A personality like me. But I am and it is. Everything must move, everything must be scrubbed, everything must GO! It's like my sanity depends on it. And unfortunately I am going insane. There is not enough time in a day to get all that I want to do done. I am burnt out at work and I am just not sure how much longer this can go on!!!

I have a list of projects to get done. My kitchen has been ransacked. My bathroom is waiting to be deep cleaned and have stuff tossed out. And my bedroom has an entire wall that looks like a communications board with my three page goal list for the year, three calendars (one general calendar, one cleaning/organizing for the year, and one for my bible reading; this does not count the one in my nightstand for checking off my daily goals), and there is also a dry erase board with my monthly goals on it. I have piles of stuff that are screaming to be gone through and organized. And I have never thrown out so much stuff in my life. It's like I am nesting and detoxing at the same time.

I feel insane... out of control, yet in complete order. Ready to move on but unsure of where to go. Somethings about to happen. I am ready to stick my hand out, maybe even into someone else's.

I know right now this might sound crazy. And it is. One hundred percent. But I also hope this will be part of the solution. I am hoping this will put me back on track. And I know one day I will come back and look at this and laugh, at least I hope. I just want my confidence back. I want my fierce strength. I want to have a plan again.

Jesus help me. I am crying out to you for even the slightest sense of normalcy in my life. And a pinch of joy would be nice also.

Day One

Ir's a new day, a new year. I woke up to the world being washed for a new year... It's been pretty dreary lately as we hold our breath waiting for spring to bring it's thaw.

This morning, as I ran around the building to get the paper, I felt a chill run down my spine. This building has completely changed for me. It's funny how I used to walk past here on my way to and from work, never knowing what it was. And now I pull in here , everyday, to the building that saved me in so many ways. Saved me from the dead end job. Rebuilt my finances. And saw that I wasn't at my best when an ambulance came to save my life. It's hard to believe what a difference a year can make. What will this new year bring? I have no clue...

But until then, I will wait for this fog to life...

Lessons to Learn

Currently
Reading: Real Simple The Magazine 
I really need a new book, but I have no idea what I want to read!
Watching: Don't ask why but Mulan
Listening: "Preserve Me" by Jordan Johnson

This weekend was hard for me. Which was weird because I feel like it shouldn't have been. I mean nothing completely world wrecking happened to me, it was no different then life as I have come to know it... and yet it was. I thought I was going to have another stroke on Friday night. It was awful. Then my coworker lost her dad while we were at work. And that was gut-wrenching to watch. Which caused me to go to bed extremely early and wake up in the middle of the night to a Facebook message that prompted a conversation I was not planning on having. In case you didn't already know, if you can't ask the question when most people are conscious you shouldn't ask it when you should be sleeping. It's just plain and simple.

I think the thing that had me hung up the most is my coworker's dad dying though. I mean after being faced with my own mortality, any time I encounter it now it is earth shattering! Because I feel like I know what they are going through, yet at the same time I haven't the clue. So I let my frustration out to God. "Why?!?! Why would you do this Abba Daddy? Why is death still in the world? When will you come back and save your children from this mess? From the heartache they are in? From the filth they are forced to wallow in?!?!?! Daddy I am so ready to be done with all this brokenness!" Now, don't get me wrong, I know that death was a consequence of sin entering the world; but it just seems to be endless. When will we stop paying for sin? Again, I know the answer, when there is no more sin. But it is just so grotesque to me. I even sought friends who were pastors, asking them for this unforeseeable answer. Knowing that all they could tell me was rhetoric and truth I already knew from being a church brat. So I took to the kitchen, took to my weights, took to music and then crashed into my bed at eight o'clock on a Saturday night. Lamest twenty-three year old ever!!! But it was a fitful sleep and I woke up several times through out the night, at point for three hours.

So this morning, still in my funk, I went searching for something to soothe me, something to calm my aching spirit. What do I find? Biblegateway.com verse of the day: John 16:33 'But take heart! I have overcome the world'. It was such a simple message but one thing rang true for me out of it- I was heard. God knew and understood my frustration, but He would always win out in the end. And I found myself so overwhelmed by this. Because I went searching with arms high and heart abandoned, looking for my answers in Him. I RECEIVED.

I have been learning a lot about giving and receiving lately. Up until a year ago I was awful at both. And then I learned how beautiful it was to give, to give until it hurt. To give until I had given everything I had to offer, until I had given my best. But receiving is still a process lesson. It's hard and uncomfortable. I've seen it being the giver and I am definitely seeing it as people try to give to me. But Receiving 101: Have empty hands and an open heart, even when you want to come with all the baggage. Even when you know receiving is going to humble you. God gives nothing but GOOD gifts to His children, why not put yourself in a position to receive?

Christmas Survey

I stole this off another blog I found and thought I would give it a go. However, It's taken me hours to finish because I got interrupted by these two really cute kids. You might know them as Kya and Drew. The loves of my life and my niece and nephew. Oh to be young at Christmas.


1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
I am an odd duck in that I only liked egg nog when I was a kid. I hate it now! I love my caramel hot chocolate from Land-O-Lakes!!! With some whip cream and caramel sauce!

2. Does Santa wrap the presents or put them under the tree?
I don't understand this question... under the tree?

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
When I was a kid we only used colored lights on our tree. Then they also went blinking. But since we moved and I am now an "adult" we have white lights on the tree with jewel tone ornaments.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
No. I think mistletoe is lame! If you love them you shouldn't need mistletoe to tell you to kiss!

5. When do you hang up your decorations?
When I was in junior high my brother lived in CA and he brought his then girlfriend home. So we decided to decorate while they were here. It was Thanksgiving weekend. And it became our tradition. And that girlfriend, she's my sister-in-law and mother of my niece and nephew!


6. What is your favorite Christmas dish (excluding dessert)?
Does jello count as dessert? Because if it doesn't it would be my grandma's jello. I miss her making it, but now my mom makes it for me on the holidays.  If not, I have started this thing where the Christmas meal has to be red, white, and green... So I have been making cheese filled pasta with pesto!!!

 7. Favorite Christmas memory as a child?
When I was four years old, I was forced among many children to sing a song for my Sunday school teacher. I was chosen out of my whole class to sing a solo for one of our songs we (the small ones) would perform. It was my first experience on stage. I didn't have a clue what it would mean then. But it changed my childhood. And in case you were wondering, I sang "Away in a Manger". First song I learned by heart! ;-)

8. What is on your Christmas wish list?
Little things. Tights. Eye liner. A loofah with handle.


9. Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve?
Nope. It's sacreligious!

10. How do you decorate your tree?
With white lights, jeweled tone bobbles, hallmark ornaments, and a star.

11. Snow. Love it or dread it?
LOVED it until this year!!

12. Real tree or fake tree?
Real trees!!! Fake ones don't smell the same!!!!

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
I don't know that I have a favorite gift. My favorite this year was seeing two of my favorite people from Atlanta for a few days a few weeks ago.

14. What is the most important thing about Christmas for you?
Spending it with my family. Sometimes the best we can do is be together virtually, but we always spend an hr or more together!

15. What is your favorite Christmas dessert?
My mom's Oreo cheesecake!

16. What is your favorite Holiday tradition?
When I was a kid, we used to get a specialty ornament every year to commemorate the year. It was fun as we got older to decorate the tree to see how we grew up. I have started the tradition with my niece and nephew. They were so excited for their ornaments even though it was a surprise!

17. What tops your tree?
We switch it up all the time. We always had a star when I was a kid. Then at one point we switched to an angel. Now we are back to a star, but it's much simpler than the light up ones we had as a kid!

18. Do you prefer giving or receiving?
Giving! It's an opportunity for others to feel loved and known. Also for them to know that you have listened.

19. What is your favorite Christmas song?
Don't know if it's a Christmas song per say, but Handel's Messiah Hallelujah Chorus. It ended all the Christmas Choral shows in my high school since my brother and sister were in choir. I've been singing it all week!

20. Candy Canes.  Yum or Yuck?
I like them. But they are one of those things you have to be in the mood for, because they take some time to eat. I do however like Hershey's Peppermint Kisses!

21. Favorite Christmas movie?
White Christmas! My mother has made me watch it so many times, I have it memorized!

Source

22. What do you leave for Santa?
Um nothing, I stopped believing in Santa the person at 5! But his spirit will always live on!!!


23. Do you have a Christmas Morning Tradition?
Open presents and then eat breakfast?

24. Do you prefer to shop online or at the mall?
I like to shop in store. I am always afraid online shopping will not be what I want or arrive on time!

25. Christmas Letter or Card.
I am a grinch when it comes to this. I would much rather have a letter. Because frankly unless you've got cute kids or you are putting money in it... what am I going to do with the Christmas card after I've opened it?

Well, there you have it. My version of Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone. And thank you Jesus. I still celebrate the day you were born to die.

Daunting

The days coming up make me feel like I am holding my breath...

What's happening? I don't know.

I need the quality time; but right now I need it with someone sitting right next to me who I can reach my hand out and touch. I'm an aching kind of lonely right now. It courses through my whole body.

It's almost Christmas, a Christmas I almost didn't have. And my heart is beating out of my chest for contact.

All I want is music that haunts you since all my loved ones are so far away.

Decisive

 "This day is a journey."

Currently
Reading: The Five Love Languages, Singles Edition by Gary Chapman
Watching: Disney's A Christmas Carol
Listening: "Home" performed by Michael Buble with Blake Shelton

Another Christmas day will come and go away and I've got so far to go

And I want to go home

Many surrounded by strangers and Christmas lights, shouldn't feel so alone

But I want to go home, God I miss you ya know

I know when Facebook switched to timelines many people did not like them, in fact they griped and complained. I didn't like it at first either, but now I love what it represents. It is a literal picture of your life. Photos of your growth and change and excitement. Things that stirred you enough to share. The what's on your minds cataloged in chronological order and the favorite's highlighted. This week I scrolled through my timeline... and but together a list of dates that will at one point become an epilogue to this journey. Things happen in the blink of an eye... and then they are over.

Here we are just weeks away from the new year, and I find myself reflective on the current one. It's hard to believe all I have faced this year. All that I have overcome! This week I found myself pouring over my goals for the year. I was overwhelmed.

This year alone I have gotten a new STEADY job, with almost double the pay and benefits. I purchased my car outright without going into debt. Maintained most of my weight loss and did my best to stay on a regular workout schedule. I have sought counseling to deal with my past. Had four different doctors appointments in one week.  Had teeth removed. Had blood work, urine analysis, CT scans, and MRI's. Had a "stroke". Was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Had a craniotomy. Was on hiatus for a month. Had to stop working out for four months. Gained up to sixteen pounds post op. And now finally months later, I am back to "normal". Or at least as normal as I'm going to get!

It has been quite the year. And I am glad it is almost over. But I am thankful for the lessons it has taught me, the strength is has given me. I will never be the same after the year I have had. 

It's amazing how much can happen in a year. At how fast a year can go. At how strong you can be when you have no choice. And how much peace He can give when you have run out of places to turn. 

"This very moment an adventure."

Rebecca Pavlenko